By Daniella Lopez
It’s another sleepless night for you at Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) Pitman Hall. You’re tossing and turning with earplugs stuffed in your ears and your head sandwiched between two pillows—why would anyone be doing this? Well, for the fifth night in a row, you can hear your upstairs neighbour having sex. It’s loud, too loud, and it’s disrupting your sleep schedule. You, being the genius you are, get out of bed and start making a list of the best places to actually hook up on campus. You will slide the list under their door, and hopefully, they’ll get the hint.
1. Rogers Communications Centre (RCC) basement
Did you know the RCC has a basement? Neither do most people, which makes it the ideal spot for a quickie before or after class. Live out your wildest fantasies by fornicating right up against the red-hot lockers. There’s even an oddly placed couch, perfect for activities. And, if you’re looking for some props to set the mood, no one’s gonna know if you snoop through some lockers.
2. Sheldon & Tracy Levy Student Learning Centre (SLC) study room
Here’s one for you exhibitionist folks out there. Imagine this: after a long, hard day of classes and studying, you need some sort of release, so you head over to the heart of TMU—the SLC. While the SLC may be known as the most lively place on campus, once dusk hits, it becomes far less busy. If you can find an empty study room, get down. Just remember, those walls are translucent.
3. Imagine Cinemas: Carlton Cinema
If you’re trying to double the amount of exercise you get in preparation for your next hook-up session, try banging in the Carlton Cinema. About a 10-minute walk from the hub of campus, this old-school movie theatre can have you reliving the good old days—a.k.a. your first-ever makeout sesh. Just present your OneCard, find the first available theatre and create your own version of 50 Shades of Grey.
4. The Theatre at The Creative School
For the more sophisticated folks who want to snog during school hours, I’d like to present you with a Broadway-style theatre that would make the perfect spot for a risky railing. Okay, so it may not be as luxurious as the ones in New York—or even come close to the ones on King Street—but TMU does have its own musical theatre. Located at 43 Gerrard St. East, the acoustics there will surely amplify your vocals and any other sounds that might be heard. You’re not at the School of Performance for nothing.
5. An office in Jorgenson Hall
Here’s another fantasy-fulfilling spot for you freaks. Have you ever felt like doing the deed in an office after a long and tiring day? Well, here’s your opportunity. Find the first available office with a locked door or the office of that professor who failed you and get at it. A little revenge never hurt anybody. Bonus points if you fuck on top of somebody’s papers.
6. The fire exit staircase at the Mattamy Athletic Centre (MAC)
Here’s an oddly specific spot for those who often find themselves at the MAC, I’m looking at you gym rats, athletes and reporters. Near the elevators on every floor is the MAC’s fire exit staircase. Opening the doors won’t set off an alarm, but it will lock you in and force you to exit from outside. Since virtually no one uses this empty space, it’s the perfect place to try those standing positions you’ve been wanting to test out.
7. The computer labs on the third floor of the Heidelberg Centre
This spot on campus is more commonly known as the School of Graphic Communications Management, and if you don’t know where it’s located, I’m going to gatekeep it. This is the definition of a “if you know, you know” kind of spot. Besides the fact that it’s usually very clean and quiet, it’s also isolated, meaning you can test how long you can really last. Just remember you’re fucking with thousands of dollars of computers, so be careful.
8. The Precise ParkLink, in your backseat
This is a shout-out to the students who have the luxury—and the money—to drive to and from campus and park inside Victoria Street’s parking garage. Maybe you want a ride on the wild side before or after class, and car sex might just do the trick. However, make sure to bring some extra deodorant because it’ll likely get super steamy.
9. The Met Campus Pub bathrooms
If you ever find yourself at the finest establishment on campus, a.k.a. The Met Campus Pub, and your classroom crush is looking extra fine in the bar lighting, why wait to bring them home? Instead, follow through with your New Year’s resolution of living in the moment and find the single-stall bathrooms to tap that ass. The nastiness waits for no one.
10. The pool at the Recreation and Athletics Centre (RAC)
Did you know TMU has a pool located at the RAC? Well, if you didn’t before, you do now. While this might be the most challenging place to do the dirty, since pool water is clear and a floating swimsuit bottom may look suspicious, you never know until you try. But on the bright side, the water is chlorinated, so any juices that suddenly appear will get disinfected. That’s totally how it works, right?