By Parker Theis
In this day and age of social acceptability, celebrities aren’t the only people who can become victims of cancel culture. Some are definitely safe from the wild claws of the “politically correct,” but many of us are either teetering on the edge or already too far gone. Take this quiz to find out if you deserve to be next on the social chopping block. You might discover you have some skeletons in your closet—or just some insanely bad takes.
1. What was your first Instagram username?
A. Bookworm6454
B. DabMinecraft69
C. firstname.lastname
D. Oldpeoplepuncher
2. How do you spend a typical Sunday?
A. Meal prepping, organizing my agenda for the week and checking emails
B. Isolated in your bedroom, leaving only to use the bathroom or get more chips
C. Shoe hunting at Salvation Army for cheap new clogs to hit the town with
D. To quote Pauly D—GTL! (Gym, tan, laundry for those who aren’t cultured enough to watch Jersey Shore)
3. Would you describe yourself as chronically online?
A. Not entirely, I watch more reality TV than reels
B. My screen time is just under five hours a day, so not really
C. Yes! My Instagram story is always at least a 12-part series. Do you follow? It’s all X/Twitter reposts
D. My phone is an extension of my hand. If it’s taken away, I will perish
4. Which of the following celebrities do you most relate to?
A. Gwyneth Paltrow
B. Azealia Banks
C. Trisha Paytas
D. Drake
5. Have you ever started a fight in someone’s comment section?
A. Only as a defence on my own account! I SWEAR!
B. Occasionally but mostly on Reddit
C. Every once in a while—the internet is full of terrible opinions
D. When haven’t I? I’ve been reported more times than I can count and have at least three burner accounts
You got MOSTLY A’s: Not yet.
In between hot yoga classes and trips to Lush, have you really never noticed the way people tend to raise their eyebrows whenever you open your mouth? I’m sure you mean well but girl…you have the same energy as 14-year-old Millie Bobby Brown calling herself a ‘flat-earther.’ Do some research before you go spouting off about something and you may be able to prevent becoming the main character of an X (still Twitter in our hearts) flame war. It would benefit you to use some critical thinking before immediately adopting someone else’s culture you scrolled past on TikTok. Get that crystal egg out of your yoni!
You got MOSTLY B’s: The cavalry is coming for you.
Yeah, I know your type. The “devil’s advocate,” the Tory Lanez fan and the type to have grown a goatee during Johnny Depp’s trial to show your steadfast solidarity. How has your FBI agent not exposed your IP address yet? If there’s a chance you can save yourself, at least try to remember all the words your friends have told you that you’re ‘not allowed’ to say anymore. Maybe refrain from raising your hand every five minutes to comment on the class content’s political accuracy. But hey, don’t listen to me. After all, you have the voice of Joe Rogan haunting your vacant skull to provide wisdom to your subconscious. It’s only a matter of time before your many burner accounts are flagged enough to permanently ban you.
You got MOSTLY C’s: Strangely enough, no.
You always seem to be on the verge of a scandal but no one’s caught you yet! You’re the elusive white whale to the culture’s Moby Dick and you’ve successfully avoided public embarrassment on many occasions. Besides, your hot takes are rarely problematic enough to merit a situation where you would have to restrict comments on all your posts. If there’s any advice you should take, it’s to avoid putting yourself in those “wrong-place-wrong-time” situations that will more than- likely have a negative long-term impact on your adult life. Maybe if you spent less time ranting to the void in your Notes app you’d see how beautiful the real world is without your nonsense. Touch some grass and you’ll be alright.
You got MOSTLY D’s: You’re on really thin ice, buddy.
If Bad Girls Club was still running on the Oxygen Network, I would sign you up in a heartbeat. Your confrontational demeanour is certainly not for everyone. I’m sure you have a circle of die-hard fans who fuel the fire of your opinions but also hard-core haters on the flipside. You might be the kind of person who can be overheard defending Chris Rock at a house party. Trust your gut when it’s telling you to read the room. I’m sure you’re the funniest person in your friend group but comedy can be pretty objective and I’d hate to see you go down from your impression of ginger people.
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