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All Fun & Satire

Students plan to go commando under their convocation gowns

By Mariyah Salhia

Disclaimer: This is the least serious suggestion The Eyeopener has ever made. DO NOT go commando under your gown. That’s nasty. 

With spring convocation quickly approaching for Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) 2024 graduates and the weather becoming much less predictable in the city, students are worried about feeling gross under their graduation gowns. 

While many say the unexpected weather is to blame for making outfit choices difficult, others say trying “to give gradu-ATE” is difficult when they’re more focused on meeting their graduation requirements than serving.

As a result, some students say they plan to wear nothing under their graduation gowns instead of grappling between dressing for the climate and eating up the rest of their graduating class. Besides, how would anyone know?

“I’d rather be naked than not slay,” said one student, who preferred to remain anonymous out of embarrassment. 

“Being hot is hard,” they said. “And I’m not just talking about being gorgeous.” 

Yuthot Uate, a graduating aerospace engineering student, is worried how classmates will remember her if her convocation outfit sucks. As a result, she is choosing to wear absolutely nothing underneath her royal blue gown. 

“I don’t like any of these people,” she said. “But I refuse to look bad in front of them. I live to serve…looks that is.” 

When asked about how she came to the decision to be naked under her regalia, she said it was an easy choice.

“In the words of Stanley Hudson, die young and ‘leave a sexy corpse’ behind,” Uate said. “If I can’t have the outfit I want, this is the next best thing.” 

The Eye asked Uate in an email if she was concerned about people judging her for wearing nothing but her birthday suit under her gown. She responded by forwarding this video, depicting a man saying, “How would they know?” 

“Die young and leave a sexy corpse behind”

Experts agree with these concerns, saying the combination of the city’s chaotic weather and the unbearable pressure to serve are creating the “perfect storm” for nakedness. 

Christopher Unt, a professor at the University of Gag, said if students can’t serve due to weather constraints, they will revert back to their natural forms—citing difficulties with wearing designer “hot girl outfits” with uncooperative weather.

“You cannot sweat in Mugler,” Unt said. “But you can’t wear a coat over Loewe, so the issue of weather becomes complicated.” 

Unt said post-secondary institutions, graduates and staff should prepare for an influx of students going “au-naturel” under their gowns because of a lack of “slay” outfits that are suitable for all possible weather conditions. 

“It’s definitely an issue to watch out for regardless of how difficult it may be to spot.”

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