By Caleb Jackson
Disclaimer: This entire story is based upon lies and slander upon the good name of our very own Frankie the Falcon and should not be treated as factual or true in any regard.
A fight was broken up by Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) campus security yesterday as Frankie the Falcon committed a self-proclaimed “brutal swoop down” on a small group of pigeons who allegedly called dibs on a Metro whiskey chicken wrap left carelessly on the sidewalk.
“I deserved the wrap. I’m the king of this roost,” said Frankie in an interview with The Eyeopener. When inquired about the alleged ‘dibs’ he responded with “Nuh-uh.”
The pigeons, affiliated with the West Gould chapter of the notorious Pigeons of TMU gang, kept tight-beaked during the majority of their interview.
“We don’t know anything about a wrap. We were just cooing and pooping, like we do, when this great behemoth of a falcon went berserk on us,” said the pigeon affectionately named Dung Boy. “Even if there happened to be a wrap, we wouldn’t be caught eating chicken. No sir.”
Witnesses on the scene described the pigeons to be ravenously pecking at the whiskey chicken wrap when Frankie appeared and began aggressively squawking at them in their mother tongue. What ensued was a series of awkward lunges and flapping of wings until authorities arrived.
“Pretty scary stuff. I didn’t know Frankie could move like that. I dropped my sandwich the other day, that could have been me,” said an eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous.
“I deserved the wrap. I’m the king of this roost”
Concerns have been raised about the logistics of the crime and how both parties should be charged, one being a grown adult male in a bird costume and the other being a small group of three to five pigeons.
“I knew he was a freaky looking bird, but a human? We feel betrayed and lied to. This is a complete breach of the avian/human relations code of conduct. Floor food is OUR food, after about five seconds of course,” said Dung Boy. He declined to discuss the code further, as our lack of knowledge on the subject was simply attributed to “willful ignorance.”
“In my professional opinion, this was a simple dispute over turf, a show of dominance over lesser creatures,” said Charles Kelling, the self-identified campus expert on Bird Law. “I am aware of Frankie’s status as a sweaty human guy in a suit, but with this eating of a wrap off Gould Street, he has swiftly crossed the line from Homosapien into Avian and will be tried to the fullest extent of Bird Law.”
The trial will be held next week at the Superior Court of Justice, where Frankie has made the self-attributed “TMU Bold” decision to represent himself. The hearing will be catered by Metro and will feature the infamous whiskey chicken wrap. Despite how unorthodox it may seem, Metro really wanted to be included.
“We were just cooing and pooping, like we do, when this great behemoth of a falcon went berserk on us”
TMU President Mohamed Lachemi is also expected to make an appearance, as our insiders say he is preparing a speech in the vein of “Frank, I am so very disappointed in you.”
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