By Stevie Zouri
5:00 p.m.
Free, at last! As I power down my laptop, I smile to myself with the realization that I’ve finally completed the first week of my completely unpaid internship. I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of my laptop. Dead eyes. Frizzy hair. A nervous twitch in my eyebrow. So, this is what success looks like. I stare into the reflection, wondering how things got this way. At least I look better than my first day, when I somehow spilled three different people’s lunches on me and had to wear the bib of shame.
5:03 p.m.
While packing up my things, I notice that no one else in the office has dared to move. Not weird, I guess. They had been doing this all week (maybe it was because black beatles have been on repeat?) I was usually the first to pack up. One week, I was here until one in the morning and so was the whole office. No matter. It’s Friday and I have plans. And we’re supposed to get off at five anyway. When I finally stand up, I hear the sharp snap of all my coworkers’ necks. I look up, realizing everyone’s eyes are on me. I take a deep breath, carrying my empty big boy briefcase and walking to the exit as all my coworker’s eyes watch me, their gaze unmoving.
5:07 p.m.
Suddenly, my boss approaches me. He asks me why I needed everything but the kitchen sink to go get the office coffee order of the night. I try to smile, but I don’t think my facial muscles respond to my brain. Oh, no. Please, not another late-night coffee run. I was hoping I would be able to get out on time. My boss grimaces and keeps walking, muttering about how no one wants to work these days. I go back to put my stuff on my desk again before rushing out to get the coffee orders. That’s my own fault for not leaving quickly enough before the “evening shift.” It shouldn’t be called a shift if everyone from the morning is still here!
5:15 p.m.
As I stand in line at a busy coffee shop that closes in half an hour, I realize that my boss forgot to give me the company card. Again. It’s fine, though. I’ll just fill out my fourth reimbursement form of the week—the ones that take 30 days to get you back your money. Peachy.
5:30 p.m.
I finally get back to the office and hand out the coffee. When I get to my boss’ office, horror dawns on my face as I realize I forgot to ask for soy milk instead of regular milk in his coffee… this whole office is about to smell like egg salad left in a hot car. I take a deep breath and go into his office, shakily setting the coffee down on his desk. When he takes a sip, I watch his eyes nearly bulge out of his head and his face turns bright red. He starts yelling that the internship program was just as useless as he expected it to be, and how could I not remember his lactose intolerance?! I pale. Oh, no. He screams at me to watch his email while he runs to the bathroom.
5:40 p.m.
I sit down at my boss’ desk, finally dry from the spilled coffee. Honestly, it was my fault. I know he only drinks soy milk, I should have remembered. As I open up his email—which, for the record, really isn’t my job—I nearly drop the laptop. 3,000 unread emails. I take a deep breath and open the first one.
7:24 p.m.
I sit up straight, realizing I’m sweating, when I finish answering the final email. I check the time–how isn’t my boss back yet?! I need to leave while I still can! I hurry to grab my stuff and run out of the office as fast as possible.
8:30 p.m.
After an hour-long commute, I get back to the apartment I share with 11 other interns. I’m lucky, though. Another girl I know, shares hers with 15. And at least the shower is free!
9:00 p.m.
Following my shower and bottle of wine combo, I lay down in bed. Finally, an early night. I may have missed my dinner plans but at least I was going to get some well-deserved sleep.
9:01 p.m.
I hear a knock at the door…just as I was closing my eyes. I take a deep breath, slowly getting out of bed. All my roommates are either asleep or at work so it’s just me in the house. I take a step towards the door. Then another. Then another. I take a slow, steady breath before opening the door quickly. Oh, no. It was just as I feared.
9:02 p.m.
My boss is standing outside my door. He laughs at the sight of me in my Five Nights at Freddy’s pajama bottoms and oversized “bad gorl!” Despicable Me fan fiction shirt before pausing and saying it’s time for our one-on-one meeting. Before I knew it, he had his monitor plugged in, stacks of paper littering the carpet and a steaming cup of joe labelled “world’s best boss” on my kitchen counter. I diligently record notes as he rambled on about how it’s so great that we live in the same building. He remarks how the floors in my unit look nothing like the kind in his penthouse suite, all while I struggle to keep my eyes open. We end the meeting after he gets a call from his boss, telling him to come upstairs to touch base on the latest project. Before heading back upstairs, he says I was falling behind on quota and needed to send more emails. Great.
9:15 p.m.
After answering as many emails as I could, I decided to head to the grocery store. As I stand in the pasta aisle, one hand typing out an email and one hand holding a bag of pasta, I stop. The pasta bags…they’re beginning to look like flowcharts. I put them away and decided to circle back in a few minutes. Woah, hard stop. Let’s put a pin in this. My mind is spinning, I close my eyes, taking deep breaths. All I see is emails. Endless emails.
9:35 p.m.
Back at home, safe and sound. No more spreadsheets. No more work. No more corporate lingo. I take a deep breath and fall into bed, grabbing my phone for my nightly doom-scroll. My entire feed consists of these horribly dreamy ‘five-to-nine after my nine-to-five’ videos. Getting off work at 5 p.m. on the button? Having time for a social life? Being able to see the sun? I need one of those jobs!
11:30 p.m.
I finally close my phone, my heart racing. Nothing like anxiety to help you fall asleep. Just video after video on how I’ll never work as hard as the beta-chad instagram reel billionaires do. After staring at the ceiling, alone with my thoughts in a dark room, I finally close my eyes, ready to do everything all over again tomorrow. 5 a.m. sharp. Such valuable experience I am gaining.
Leave a Reply