By Zarmminaa Rehman
Author’s note: The content below has been greatly exaggerated but based on true events.
CHAPTER 1
Your resume was perfect. You ass-kissed hard on your cover letter. You even managed to convince the artificial intelligence recruiting tool you would trade your first-born child for a spot at the company. Two phone interviews later and finally, you made it to the in-person interview. Arriving in a freshly pressed shirt, showing as many pearly whites as possible, you saw a line of fellow applicants folding like a small intestine in front of your local Tim Hortons. Damn. A group interview, perchance?
This crowd wasn’t lined towards the store’s entrance but instead, the chain of people anxiously awaited a welcome into a suspiciously large tent set up in the parking lot. As you entered the enclosure, it appeared this was no ordinary in-person interview. Each applicant, given a numbered marathon bib to wear around their torso, was stripped of their cell phones and instructed to walk through a metal detector before approaching the stage.
A panel of judges sat on a raised platform, black screens perched in front of them, ominous red dots blinking like warning signals. Through squinted eyes, you made out the name ZELDA on someone’s name tag and beside it “Store Manger” written in Times New Roman. This meant business. You feel a chill down your spine…all this for $17.20 an hour?
Suddenly, in Squid Game fashion, a man in an all-black suit descended down from an invisible spot on the roof of the tent onto the stage in front of all of the applicants.
“Welcome to your in-person interview,” he said. “We thank you for your applications and for attending this interview. Today, each one of you will compete in a series of challenges for a chance to win a job offer letter to our highly esteemed establishment.”
Everyone turned to one another, confusion etched into the crinkles of their faces. Beside you, the colour drained from a poor young candidate, likely fresh into Grade 9—judging by the six scraggly hairs on his chin and Champion shorts.
“Let’s start with the first task,” the mystery man spoke, his voice sounding from each corner of the tent. What had you possibly gotten yourself into?
Following a train of people out the back end of the tent, you approached an ominous black door with swirling coloured sparks. The resounding sound of a bell signalled you to step inside.
CHAPTER 2
Stepping through the door, you found yourself in an unknown location, yet it felt eerily similar to your grandmother’s home. Confused, you didn’t realize that, off to the side, that same panel of judges could see every action you do.
On an empty table sat a single virtual reality (VR) headset. The room was otherwise barren.
“Applicant #23584, please put on the VR headset.”
You don’t wait a second and fit the headset onto yourself, unsure of what to expect. In a millisecond, you’re transported in front of a seated crowd within a theatre—your very own TED Talk?
From your peripheral view, you see television show host Steve Harvey approach you, with a mystery box in hand.
“Well, well, #23584, here is your item,” he announced, handing you the box.
You opened it to find a glass coffee pot, spotless and shining.
“Using your customer service skills and imagination, explain the many purposes this coffee pot can serve,” asked the television icon.
You examined it a bit, thinking what more can this do? You ran the following three life lessons through your mind.
1. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Well, unbeknownst to the average fellow, this pot exceeds just one use. If caught in a brawl, turn the pot and take your balled fist so that it enters inside, effectively defending your face.
2. Just keep swimming.
Next, it must be hard to clean out your fish’s bowl right here and now. So why not give them a new vacation home in this pot, equipped with enough space and a robust wide diameter? Your fishies will always be content taking a trip while you clean up after them.
3. Don’t let the weight of the world get you down.
Finally, it seems that your papers are just not staying put, so why not use the pot as a paperweight, it might even have enough space to store paper clips and other fun knick-knacks.
As you finish your spiel, you’re caught in a battle between yourself and the eyes of the “audience.” A few moments passed until the crowd erupted in laughter, even Harvey seemed pleased with your answers.
“Congratulations, you have successfully made it to the next task,” he said.
CHAPTER 3
The glowing door appeared again, this time revealing a white interior swirling with multi-coloured sparks. You take off the VR set and scamper through the exit off the high of your success.
When you arrived at the secondary location, you found yourself dressed in a full-body swimsuit with other candidates spread out to your left and right. Lying ahead was a competitive obstacle course spanning the size of a decently long football field.
“Candidates, you must complete this obstacle course.” That announcer was just so excited to watch the lot of you bruise yourself all to make a cup of joe. “But remember, you also need to memorize the order of a judge and make it for them once you arrive at the finish line!”
Before you can psychologically prepare yourself, a gunshot snapped you out of the entrance and got your butt out onto the course.
Jumping, hopping, slipping, stumbling and tumbling. Over and under. Diagonal and vertical. Across and through…would this course ever conclude? The world moved in hyper-speed around you but each thwack of the moving rubber cylinders came at you in slow-motion. You never stood a chance.
You get to the final podium, soaked in water. A little more, you think to yourself, a little more. The table is decorated with all the ingredients you need. Maybe you could sneak a little snack but honestly, what was the coffee order again?
You speed-run recreating whatever you could think the coffee order was as decently as possible. A double-double with milk, and instead of sugar, Splenda. A medium size but in an extra-large cup with ice and an everything bagel—not toasted and cut in fours.
Despite everything, you’ve managed to make it to the end along with a half-decent cup of coffee. Door after door appeared as you completed an exam on your knowledge of coffee beans, performed in a competitive relay race talent show and participated in a philosophical debate on why honey dip donuts are called honey dip if they have no inkling of honey or dip?
You’ve made it to the top 10 finalists and you can feel your first paycheck within arms reach. You could practically taste the value pack of Goldfish and La Croix water after 13 per cent tax was cut out and your monthly rent couldn’t be paid in full.
“For your final task, you will sit down for a one-on-one interview with the owner of our store—Zelda.”
CHAPTER 4
Finally, your chance to prove that you deserved that $17.20 per hour position with zero benefits and no paid sick leave. Lucky for you, your interpersonal skills were off the charts.
“So…candidate #23595, if we were struck by a hurricane, how would you prepare coffee for a dozen people outside waiting in the cold? Keep in mind, the customers are all lactose intolerant, your shipment of oat milk is delayed and they expect a minimum five-minute one-on-one service with your undivided attention,” Zelda asked, boring their eyes into yours, challenging you to answer.
“Well you see I wou-”
“Thank you, we’ll let you know of our decision by Thursday next week.”
Hoping to receive an offer, all you got was an automated email telling you that you just didn’t have the “oomph” for the Tim Hortons family and that all the spots had been filled.
Two weeks have passed.
The routine ding of your phone notifies you of a new job offer on Indeed but you realize this one looks somewhat—what’s the word?—familiar.
We’re Hiring! Would YOU like to work at Tim Hortons? Well, we would love to have you on our team. Do you want to join a wonderful family and learn hands-on skills with great perks? Submit your resume now and join us on our “Always Fresh” promise.
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