BY ROBERT REGERT | READS ENTIRE BOOKS

HBO’s hot new medical drama The Pitt has got the binge-watching sheeple all stirred up but in my very important and very authoritative opinion, it’s just not worth the hype. Here, I’ll tell you mindless Netflix-watching, Uber Eats-munching zombies why I think this thing which is the truth.

Reason number one: It’s too woke

My god. The left have gone too far with this one. The Pitt is just E.R. with some of the same cast but older and woker. Absolutely ridiculous. There are way too many male nurses in this show. So far I have counted three. That’s three too many. They must be gay. That’s the only explanation. 

Let’s talk about the show’s depiction of ICE. First of all, ICE would never harm a nurse unless the nurse was in fear for their safety. Second of all, the fact that the ICE agents bring that woman to the ER is just brushed upon. They didn’t have to do that but they chose to. Another instance of the left overlooking everything good the Trump administration does. 

And then Dr. Robby gives one of the two agents a long monologue on why they shouldn’t be there and how they’re getting in the way when all the agent was doing was talking to a nurse. He didn’t know they were understaffed. And the thing about nurses and patients leaving the hospital because of ICE’s presence; if they didn’t have anything to hide they wouldn’t be scared.

Reason number two: I don’t like doctors

I’m an older guy, so I’ve taken a lot of trips to the doctor as of late and I personally can’t stand it. So when I watch this program which takes place entirely in an emergency department, it makes me think about my enlarged prostate and colon polyps. Anything which reminds me of my own mortality shouldn’t be on television. Whittaker also makes me feel gay but I don’t have the word count to unpack that here.

Reason number three: I couldn’t get through the first episode (I have a very busy life)

How am I meant to enjoy a show if I haven’t even seen it? I’ve been stuck on episode one for five days straight. Every time I click play I become overcome with the biological urge to close my peepers for just a quick second. By the time I open my eyes the damn show is already over and makes NO SENSE! 

Reason number four: Not every episode is an hour long even though every episode is supposed to be an hour of  their shift

Not that I (or anyone for that matter) would want more of this show, I must point out the fact HBO markets this show as every episode being an hour of the crew’s shift, despite every episode not being exactly an hour long is just plain absurd. Another obvious example of Hollywood lying to us—hardly the first time.

Reason number five: Me hating this is better for SEO

If you’re reading this in the paper, you probably don’t know this but we also publish these things online behind a $40/year paywall. So basically, the angrier I get, the better these reviews do on the web. We got no traction at all when I gave the Frasier reboot five stars—which it more than deserved—so if you don’t want your show panned, don’t send your press release to
our editor.