BY THE BIG LEBOWSKI | BUSINESS REPORTER

In a shocking merger still being assessed by the U.S. Bureau of Competition, online shopping giant Amazon has bought majority shares of Walmart. Once merged, the new company will comprise the largest corporation on Earth and the largest company to ever exist. 

In addition to the amalgamation, Amazon also made a smaller announcement—that they’ll be acquiring you, the reader of this story. 

“You’re mine now!” said Amazon president Andy R. Jassy from a press conference in his den. “We’re not sure what we’ll do with you yet, but you might be working in the Walmazon fulfillment centre or driving an
Amamart delivery van.”  

“The future is beautiful, isn’t it?” he added.

A spokesperson for Amazon said, if approved, the merger will see the acquisition of your personal property, identity and internet search history. 

“Now that we’re two companies, there’s going to be twice as much work, so that means half the breaks,” he said. “You do the math, it checks out.”

Michael Fern, a financial analyst at J.P. Morgan Chase said the merger is sure to, “shake things up,” for people who live on Earth, which he says is a lot of us.

“By ‘shake things up,’ I mean that all work will be done by robots and drones but everyone will still be poor,” he said. “It’s all very new and exciting.”

In regard to the acquisition of you, he said he’s unsure what this will mean. “You don’t seem like you’d be much use to the company so maybe it’ll be alright for you,” said Fern. “Maybe you’ll be a human-Roomba. A Hoomba. Write that down, that’s gold,” he said to someone out of frame, possibly a robot.

Amamart aerial delivery drone 56565334BRTAMA said he is comfortable with the merger and excited to work with you. “This is amicable,” said the drone. 

In a press conference following the announcement, Walmart CEO John Furner said he was alarmed by the sudden acquisition but is currently preoccupied with “figuring out how to bring my money and worldly possessions into the afterlife.”

Our reporters reached out to you following the publication of this article, who has yet to respond due to the fact that we wrote this in the past.