BY REALLY COLD | OTTAWA BUREAU

Prime Minister Mark Carney’s visit to a Saskatchewan grain silo complex took an unexpected turn when Canada’s head honcho hocked a fat loogie on an onlooker’s baby.

“I saw it happen,” said Isaac Fitzherbert who attended the event. “Marky Mark honed in on that baby like a heat-seeking missile. He leaned over the soft spot of its head and then started making that noise like when a cat yarfs up a hairball.”

While this act would have ruined the career of lesser politicians when the Dilly Dally reached out to the mother of the baby for comment, she denied any wrongdoing on the prime minister’s part.

“It was the happiest day of my life,” said Fanny Grill, mother of the spat-upon baby. “Getting my PhD from McGill, marrying my gorgeous, sexy husband and having my precious children had absolutely nothing on Mark Carney spitting in close proximity to me.”

When pressed about how “close proximity” was in fact her child’s head, Grill responded.

“Kids ruin everything, don’t they?” she said.

Clips of the event promptly went viral with many Carney fans expressing their jealousy over the baby by posting GIFs of Peter Griffin begging like a dog.

Desperate to reclaim some of the thunder he’d lost after getting stuck in a well for 10 days, Pierre Poilievre spat on a set of triplets at a supporter’s gala in New Brunswick last night. The mother of the children swiftly pressed charges. Poilievre is no longer welcome at the Days Inn reception centre in Moncton, N.B.