BY D.L. | TRADE REPORTER

Amid rising fears of economic turmoil brought on by U.S. President Donald Trump’s steep tariffs on Canadian products, Prime Minister Mark Carney is committing to new trade negotiations with key countries, including a “monumental” deal with Antarctica.

If ratified, the deal would bring free trade between the two countries, unlocking new economic opportunities for hard-hit Canadian industries.

“America can go suck an icicle because once we’ve got this deal in the bag our GDP (gross domestic product) will be so high we’ll be DTT (down to trade) with ASAP (Antarctica soon as possible),” said Carney.

The prime minister met with Antarctic President Skipper and Finance Secretary Kowalski on Friday to discuss what free trade between the nations would
look like.

“We had some very productive discussions on the fish front,” said Skipper, who is a penguin. “However our talks on big blocks of ice that get much smaller when they arrive at their destination were more tense.”

The Dilly Dally reached out to union leaders from Canadian industries most affected by U.S. tariffs, including United Steelworkers (USW) President
Steel Magnolia.

“There are no buildings in Antarctica right now. None. That means there must be a huge demand for buildings, right? It’s literally an untapped market, all our members are very excited,” said Magnolia.

A representative from Unifor, which represents Canadian auto workers, said if a deal is reached, it will be a huge win for the automotive industry.

“Nobody has a car in Antarctica right now. Nobody. That means everyone is in the market for one, right? It’s literally an untapped market. All our members are very excited,” he said.

Antarctica residents are seemingly also excited about the prospect of a trade deal with Canada.

A local elephant seal told the Dilly Dally, “ARF ARF ARF ARF,” while clapping his flippers violently.

Canada’s trade envoy also commented on the talks but our reporter could not understand them through their big scarf. It’s very cold down there.

Carney is expected to enter negotiations with other previously-ignored nations, including Genovia from The Princess Diaries and Wakanda.

When representatives from the World Trade Organization asked Carney how he expected Canada to trade with an uninhabited territory, he shot lasers out of his eyes, eviscerating them.

The talks are expected to continue in the following weeks.