BY ANDY MERICA | U.S. CORRESPONDENT

In the early afternoon yesterday, the U.S. Armed Forces conducted a daring raid on your house, capturing your father and really freaking out your dog.
In what is being described as a ‘Special Domestic Parental Securement,’ U.S. President Donald Trump announced he would be running your house for the foreseeable future.

“Your house was a mess. Really just a mess. We got our guys in, the best guys. And gals, but mostly great guys, and now things are going to be better. A lot better. Some of the neighbours have said ‘wow… that house is so much nicer.’ It’s the nicest house on the block now, they’re saying,” said Trump at a press conference from your porch.

This is just the latest in a series of controversial unilateral actions by the U.S. government across the globe.

President Trump said that one of the chief goals of capturing your dad was to liberate the recliner with a good view of the TV, and to secure his strategic supply of Molson Canadian and pork rinds.

Many of your neighbours have spoken out after your dad’s capture.

“I heard you complaining about him getting you to do the dishes all the time. Your dad sounded like a real pain, so you really should be grateful,” said Levi Rathburn, who lives just down the block from you.

“I don’t know what international law says, but I think it’s for the best. I heard your dad was hoggin’ the TV, and the U.S. couldn’t just sit by anymore,” said your next-door neighbour.

Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth has assured residents of your neighbourhood that this was a targeted action and that they are in no danger.

“This is what happens when you don’t play by the rules,” said Hegseth.
Hegseth was also later seen taking his socks and shoes off and putting his feet up on the ottoman in your living room.

Despite these assurances, some people have been concerned that the U.S. will target them next.

“My mom has been lowballing Kash Patel on Facebook Marketplace for a signed Matthew Tkachuk jersey. Is she next?” said your childhood friend who you haven’t talked to in a while.

The United Nations (UN) has come out against the action but has come short of condemning it.

“We’re closely monitoring the situation regarding your dad. Trump has set a troubling precedent by taking him without international consultation or notifying your home owners association,” said a spokesperson for the UN.

Prime Minister Mark Carney has also weighed in on the situation.

“The Canadian government stands for freedom, rule of law and justice. Your dad has long oppressed your neighbours with early morning lawn mowing and we stand in solidarity with them,” said Carney.

There has been no word yet on plans for a trial for your dad. He’s currently facing a litany of charges, including: sneeze-related terrorism, James Patterson book trafficking, possession of socks and sandals and aggravated little-league commentary.