BY LAUREN WINDSOR-KINKAID | FILM CRITIC

In a world where the ever evulva-ing film industry is filled with dick jokes, penis puns and cock-based comedy there is one biological phenomenon we are yet to see on screen. It seems to be the yeast important thing to any Hollywood executive.

As I was doing my monthly viewing of the Hunger Games films—watching through the eyes of a seasoned vagina-owner—there was one thing I just couldn’t overlook. Why don’t these women ever get yeast infections? Following my discovery I have compiled a list of films where the prospect of a yeast infection seems inescapable.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013)

In this film, Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) is put through constant trials and tribulations, one after the other, and we as an audience are forced to believe that she wouldn’t have even the least yeast down east? 

Katniss spends three days submerged in a tropical swamp wearing nothing but a skin-tight soggy rubber wetsuit. It is the warm, damp environment that makes for perfectly risen bread dough, beautifully fermented kimchi and powerful vaginal mega-flora. 

Jurassic Park (1993)

Jurassic Park is ruined for me. Costa Rica, in August, 98 per cent humidity. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) is running for her life in wet khakis. She didn’t think to bring a change of underwear. By end of day one on Isla Nublar, Ellie would have been cooking up a micro-dairy specializing in cottage cheese. 

Ian Malcolm (played by Jeff Goldblum), sweaty and unbuttoned, delivers the thesis statement directly into camera, “life finds a way.” He means the dinosaurs, however, whether aware of it or not, he is also describing the situation in Ellie’s khakis with startling precision. Warm, damp, stressed, running—these are not survival conditions. These are growth conditions.

Dune (2021)

And Dune? More like Doom(ed ph-balance). I somehow feel Frank Herbert may not have invented the stillsuit with candida in mind. Chani (Zendaya) crosses the deep desert on a schedule determined by sandworm migration patterns. The suit’s closed-loop fluid-recycling system functioned as designed. She’s trapped and she’s marinating. 

Paul Atreides sees all, but he is apparently too afraid of an unsexy vagina to use his bene gesserit powers for the good of all Fremen vagina-havers. What is a girl to do? Ride the worm anyway, I suppose. 

Looking forward, I hope Hollywood and those big executives in their ivory towers with their dicks and balls tied between their legs realize that we’ve had it with the Seth Rogen testicle jokes. We’re not asking for close ups, all we really want is vaginal representation across the entire nation.