By The Eyeopener

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. Emperor Khodayari is alive and her masthead remains loyal as ever—for now.

Negin Khodayari, the editor-in-chief (EiC) of The Eyeopener was assassinated on April 2 in an epic betrayal by a group of aggrieved masthead members.

Khodayari served as the 57th and 59th EiC of Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU)’s student newspaper. She was ambushed after the paper’s annual Eyelections by a group of assailants which allegedly included masthead members Marcus Junius Brutus, Gaius Cassius Longinus, Decimus Junius Brutus Albinus and Lucas Bustinski.

Khodayari was taken to hospital but was declared dead on arrival.

She was hired for a second term as EiC—the second of only two people in history to hold the position more than one term. She also served as an instructor at TMU. She leaves behind a grieving former circulation manager.

Upon Bustinski’s alleged attacking of Khodayari, she was heard asking, “Et tu, Lucas?”

The assassination happened 18 days after the Ides of March (March 15), a date made infamous by the 44 BC assassination of Roman dictator Julius Caesar.

While Caesar was killed by over 60 senators, Khodayari’s downfall was at the hand of 18 masthead members.

The conspiracy to take her down was seemingly spurred by a recent declaration of her desire to run for EiC of The Eye a third time—and also maybe a fourth…or fifth.

Khodayari told masthead members, “I just need one more year guys. I promise I’ll get it right this time.”

She was allegedly considering making the position of EiC a lifetime appointment, according to sources close to the now deceased EiC.

In testimonies before a high court judged by the great general manager, Lianus McClartis, masthead members explained their motivations behind the attack.

The news team, Amira Benjamin, Shaaranki Kulenthirarasa and Vihaan Bhatnagar led the mutiny against their EiC, the only time the three ever worked together.

Digital producer Anthony Lippa-Hardy told McClartis his last straw was Khodayari’s hogging of the office fan. “It’s hot as Pompeii in that goddamned place,” he said.

Media editor Divine Amayo said his greivances were based in Khodayari’s intolerance for tardiness. “Let a guy be late,” he said.

Production editors Jasmine Makar and Sarah Grishpul said Khodayari relegated the pair to a remote corner of the office. “Nobody puts Jasmine in a corner,” said Grishpul.

Business & technology editor Aditi Roy and arts & culture editor Sophie Wallace sought revenge after Khodayari mistakenly bought regular raisins rather than chocolate-covered raisins, to the dismay of the entire masthead.

Fun & satire editor Dylan Marks and communities editor Daniel Opasinis attacked Khodayari for not letting them write this story.

Photo editors Saif-Ullah Khan, Ava Whelpley and Pierre-Philipe Wanya-Tambwe said their motivations were borne from one too many last-minute cover pivots.

Edward Lander, the features editor, said his particiaption was out of anger over Khodayari’s edict that feature deks couldn’t be 35 words.

Sports editors Jonathan Reynoso and Victoria Cha told McLartis they were enraged over the EiC’s persistent mogging of them. “Where does she shop? Seriously,” said Reynoso.

Following the power vacuum left by her assassination, members of the masthead decided to hold an anonymous vote for who they believed would be best-suited for the position. Lander reigned victorious and is now expected to hold the throne until at least 2027—provided no one kills him first.

Khodayari’s assassination and Lander’s succession violates bylaw no. 2 of The Eye’s constitution as well as Canada’s Criminal Code, including section 231 (1) which says murder is not allowed.

Lander’s first act as EiC will reportedly be creating a new paid position solely to bring him food from the Food From East Express shawarma truck on Gould Street.

Following Khodayari’s death, Lander has reportedly planned to create a series of booby traps and barricade himself in his office to thwart any attempts on his life.

An autopsy of Khodayari later revealed her cause of death was not the attack, but rather getting a little tiny bit overheated.