By Leslie Seaforth
Thanks to my older brother being a D.J. (read: V.I.P. for most clubs) and having a lot of time on my hands (read: no job), I spent most of my summer being conscious at night. Let me tell you, there is nothing in this world like sitting in front of the television at four a.m. with a big bottle of Mountain Dew and a plate of sunny-side-up eggs with tomatoes. The only thing better would be the opportunity to watch something other than Amazing Discoveries… You see, I may be a young tyke of only 21 years, but I’ve been around long enough to know that late night T.V. never used to be like this.
Back in the day, late night giants like Mary Tyler Moore, Taxi and Bizarre were seen, not the Home Shopping Network. I don’t need to buy a television at four in the morning, since I’m ALREADY WATCHING ONE! Television in the twilight zone used to be a haven for defunct and/or syndicated sit-coms. These days however, it’s something much more evil.
Instead of watching shows in which celebrities pretend to be “average joes”, we witness average joes who wish they were celebrities! It’s as if the entire “power pyramid” of two a.m. T.V. has been reversed. And I don’t like it. But what’s worse than watching a bunch of never-could-bes is watching a bunch of has-beens. Never did I want to see Phillip Michael Thomas in anything but a Miami Vice episode. Unfortunately, reality tells a different story. Also, not being a big sports fan, I’ve never liked Fran Tarkenton. I feel sorry for someone whose existence is justified by hanging out with a guy who makes a living off “self-help tapes” (getting “self-help” from somebody else is an oxymoron, people).
Speaking of help, who wants to be a mail order mechanic à la Sally Struthers?! Wasn’t her performance on All In The Family bad enough… Look, I just want my shows back, and Barnaby Jones and Star Trek aren’t good enough (“Cap’n! I kinnot take much more!”). I’m tired of seeing ultra-mops, super blenders and insta-thawers! If Dionne Warwick’s Psychic Friends had warned me about this, I would be a “day person” right now.
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