By Isabella Keats
Disclaimer: All zombies in this article are fictitious and not real.
At Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU), many students were catching colds, coughs and runny noses in mid-October. Initially, it was dismissed for the typical midterm burnout or “freshman flu” but recently, the situation has escalated.
According to Toronto Public Health, this new virus is being referred to as Undergrad Undead Disorder (UUD) and is highly contagious via bite. Early symptoms include headaches, random cravings and memory loss of discussion posts and midterm deadlines. It is said that once bitten, it takes only five minutes to turn from human to undergraduate “zombie.” Health professionals recommend staying home and barricading the doors if afflicted by UUD.
Following the announcement, videos began to pop up online depicting students turning into zombies in the middle of the Kerr Hall Quad. Their faces fell ashen, hair began to fall out in clumps and several started groaning for extensions.
Students have begun questioning if it’s safe to continue with exams during the zombie outbreak on campus.
“I want to keep my grades high, I truly do, but at the cost of getting bitten and turning into a zombie? Absolutely not,” said third-year nursing student Stu Dent.
In response, the school has barricaded the zombies in the quad using unsold, long-forgotten Ryerson merch. However, several faculty members announced midterm exams would continue at their normal scheduled times.
Pro McFessor, who teaches at the Ted Rogers School of Management, strongly believes the appearance of zombies on campus to be a “long-winded hoax” arranged by his students.
“My colleagues and I have all agreed that this is just another lame prank to try and get out of exams. Remember last year with the Mario Kart track in Kerr Hall Quad that never got built? Every prank at this school happens in the Quad and I’m over it,” he said. “It’s sad and immature.”
Second-year english student Clementine Walkerson was in the middle of her psychology exam when zombies infiltrated her classroom.
“It was terrifying. The professors just stood and watched as we ran away screaming. Seeing people save their friends from zombies really unsettles you,” she said. “I didn’t know the school had a bunker. I’m glad we do though.”
Once inside the bunker, Walkerson said they tried to call for help, but McFessor confiscated everyone’s cell phones to prevent “cheating” on the exam. Testing papers were redistributed and students were forced to continue their midterm by candlelight.
“It’s weird in there,” said Walkerson. “There are pens, pencils, exam notebooks and Akindi sheets but not a single first aid kit or landline phone. Seriously, my friends and I are trying to find bottled water but everywhere we look is another stack of exam papers. It’s like exams come before student well-being down here or something.”
Despite the zombies groaning overhead, students are still writing their exams in the bunker.
Since the incident, McFessor’s attendance scores have dropped significantly and so has his Rate My Professor score.
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