By Peyton Andino
Disclaimer: Groundhogs cannot participate in astral projection, telekinesis, magical practices and workers’ rights unions as they are wild animals.
The Psychic Rodent Workers Union (PRWU) will hit the picket lines after an almost unanimous vote to strike this Wednesday.
Representing all 14 groundhogs in Canada, the PRWU claims its members are unhappy with their current treatment and objectification.
“We aren’t asking for much. We want an increase in pay, fully-funded sick leave and better working hours and conditions,” said spokesperson Wiarton Willie during a press conference this morning, where he “telekinised” his message to each journalist.
“I am sick and tired of the blatant perversion of my shadow and the unlicensed usage of my likeness across this town,” he added.
Following the materialization of rodent culture’s most important practice, the towns where PRWU members reside have been branding themselves after each local groundhog. Wiarton has an inn, Fenwick has a parade and each groundhog is televised against their will.
“I am sick and tired of the blatant perversion of my shadow and the unlicensed usage of my likeness across this town”
According to the PRWU, the income made from these businesses and commodities rarely makes its way back into the pockets of the groundhogs they are based on.
“My shadow is not yours to commercialize,” said Willie.
In addition to unfair treatment, a lack of sick days and vacation time have been causing detriment to the groundhogs’ health.
Just last year, the son of the original Fred La Marmotte, Quebec’s prognosticating soothsayer, passed away. He was only discovered when it was time for him to fulfill his weekly duties.
“My shadow is not yours to commercialize”
Wages are another hot-button issue for the PRWU workers as the average psychic groundhog makes an annual stipend of $200 for their services. With rent skyrocketing, Nova Scotian groundhog Shubenacadie Sam said he is worried about his future.
“I cannot make rent every month on this salary. Sure, I work part-time as a private investigator, but after a long day of helping with Tim Houston’s weather machine, I wish I was able to just relax instead of worrying about making it to next week,” said Sam.
In a press release, the PRWU stated alongside their demands, the groundhog handlers must also reinstate Taco Tuesdays and bring back the sweetgrass vending machine in the break room.
“It’s the little things that make work more enjoyable,” said Manitoba Merv, a golf club cover appointed as the province’s official groundhog.
“I may only do my big production on the second, but what else does that entail? I have to keep in shape so the shadow is not ruined, trim my nails so I don’t scratch the humans, and eat metal for the rest of the year!”
While both Merv and Fenwick Flossie are not biologically hogs—as Merv is technically a puppet and Flossie a human in a groundhog suit, the two were invited into the practice by Willie following a particularly intense astral projection session.
“It’s the little things that make work more enjoyable”
Hog psychic abilities can be traced back to Pennsylvania, where a mysterious mouse taught the original Punxsutawney Phil the “way of the shadow,” a closed practice specific to Rodentia. Since then, it has been passed down through generations of hogs in order to assist humanity in their quest to build more weather machines.
The last La Marmotte was a whistleblower for this movement before his untimely death back in 2023.
The PRWU is currently in talks with the federal government to get their comeuppance, but only time will tell if the strike sees its shadow.
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