BY AYE ONE | STAFF REPORTER

Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre went missing for the past 10 days to the surprise of literally no one in his party or Parliament.

Paramedics located the politician at the bottom of a deep well. 

Poilievre told reporters he fell down while looking for “rich Alberta oil” to guzzle up into his belly. First responders had been called to his paper maché home in Battle River–Crowfoot after neighbours alerted them to the sound of crunching
apples coming from his property.

“I’m disappointed that none of my peers across the aisle want to come meet the residents of this blue collar riding,” he said. “If they had, maybe someone would have found me sooner.” 

Poilievre’s gimp-suited ball-gagged bitch boy, Member of Parliament (MP)  Jamil Jivani, said he felt lost and scared when he noticed Poilievre missing from his office. “I asked the lady at the front desk to find him and they called over the P.A. system for him and he didn’t come back for me and I was crying.”

Former Conservative Leader, MP Andrew Scheer, whined to reporters this evening. “This is off the record, but I gave that emergency crew a hundred bucks to leave him down there.” 

“If he stayed in the well longer I’d have had more time to smear my Andrew Scheer scent all over things again,” he added. 

Representatives in the House of Commons seemed to not notice the lack of stale humour and nasally high-brow cackling. 

Prime Minister Mark Carney said he appreciated the change of atmosphere in Ottawa. “Without P.P.—that’s what I call him, because we’re cool like that—without P.P. riling up his posse of Ozian flying monkeys I was able to finally hear Elizabeth May at the back of the room.”

The Dilly Dally reached out to Elizabeth May but she declined to comment because she was drunk off her ass. 

New Democratic Party leader Avi Lewis, who was elected by his party on Sunday, had this to say: “I’m brand new here!”

The return of the honourable member of Parliament will be honoured during the hour of honouring honourable honours, which is also just Wednesday, April 1, at 5 p.m.  

The Dilly Dally reached out to The Well for comment, who said, “We have nothing to do with this. We are a shopping complex on Front Street in Toronto.”