By Daniel Opasinis

Disclaimer: Much like the concept of waitlists, this story is complete bullshit. 

Right on the cusp of entering his seventh year at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU), engineering student Linus Longsworth has once again been waitlisted for the waitlist waitlist for some of his most-needed courses.

University registrar Shari Hodges recently opened a new list after the old one got too damn long. Some say there’s another waitlist in the works but reports have yet to be confirmed.

“I’ve been waiting for this opportunity pretty much forever,” Longsworth said. 

Longsworth was scheduled to graduate in 2022, but has been barred from doing so for not meeting a single upper-level liberal studies requirement for the past four years. 

Longsworth has begun theorizing as to why he’s been unable to enrol in courses before they fill up. One such theory is that students from New Brunswick are beating him to it. 

“They’re an hour ahead on enrollment day, fishing away on their big ol’ boats and hogging up all the classes,” he said. 

In his extended time at TMU, Longsworth has been able to tack on multiple additional majors to his original program. This year, he’s set to complete the aerospace engineering program. “When I started this program there were jobs out there, now I’m begging for jobs on Indeed while language models invent the next hot thing,” he said. 

Longsworth said he’s been able to enrol in a handful of unique courses while awaiting a successful shot at an upper liberal. “I got into NMA831: History of Liza Minnelli Impersonations, but I’m still waiting to hear back about Head Injuries in Latin American Acrobatics—fingers crossed!” he said.

Two-thousand-five-hundreth-year language and intercultural relations student Siddhartha Gautama is yet another student patiently waiting on the waitlist waitlist. Now an omniscient being and religious symbol, he currently sits with four students ahead of him. 

“Yeah Queen Lizzy was just ahead of me, but…haha—you know! Now it’s just myself, David Attenborough, Clint Eastwood, a redwood tree and also the concept of time itself,” Gautama said, sitting cross-legged in Kerr Hall Quad.

The many waitlists have begun being used as a form of social currency by students across the university. Zachariah Smitherton said he’s found great benefit from the new rankings. 

“Me? I’m 348th on the waitlist. I’m a part of this society, it’s not a frat or anything—we can’t actually call it that, so don’t say that to anyone, but we’re all sub-1,000,” he said, crossing his arms and shrugging nonchalantly. 

Smitherton said his friends will hunt down lowly students on the waitlist and hang them by their underwear from emergency button stations on campus. 

“Just wait bro, like it’s totally lame to not be waiting like we’re waiting, and the weight of waiting has been weighing on me for way too long,” he said. 

The waitlist currently holds a line of 2,947 students, while the waitlist’s waitlist has racked up nearly double that. Not to mention the waitlist for that waitlist waitlist, which currently holds every student at the university. 

You’re on the waitlist too! Currently 36,529 people are ahead of you. But that’s just before you get to the waitlist waitlist which should go by in a breeze. You didn’t know?

“At this point it’s been so long that no one really knows what the waitlist is for, you just gotta keep waiting because like, what if it’s something really cool?” said Longsworth.