By Polly Tix

Disclaimer: While the mayoral election is on Monday and you should absolutely vote in it, please do not make a decision based on this fictional Q&A.

With the municipal elections less than a week away, top mayoral candidates Brad Bradford and Olivia Chow are making their final pitches to voters before they head to the polls. They’re also making their final media appearances, including an exclusive interview with our own extremely influential publication. Here, The Eyeopener sits down with the pair one last time.

Eye: How are you both doing today? 

Chow: I’m doing well and I’m excited to be here.

Bradford: I’m doing well, too—and I must say how sorry I am that the woke mob renamed your university.

Eye: Okay then. Let’s get into the questions. Community safety has been a big topic this election. What will you do to make Toronto safer?

Chow: A lot of people have criticized me for not serving on the Police Services Board like my predecessors. But is that really such an important board? There are so many other boards I’m happy to get behind: keyboards, charcuterie boards—yum, and the Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) board of governors, where my homegirl Roberta Iannacito-Provenzano is.

Bradford: Under Chow’s watch, Toronto has become a much more dangerous city. Now, they keep telling me violent crime is actually down. But what matters is how Torontonians actually feel. Particularly one Torontonian: me—Brad Bradford. 

It’s so dangerous out there I actually stopped going outside over a year ago. So I’m not really sure what it’s like these days, but I imagine it’s pretty damn scary! Boogeymen and ne’er-do-wells and the like.

Eye: Transit has been another point of contention this election—whether that’s the TTC, bike lanes or traffic. Do you have a plan to keep Toronto moving?

Chow: You all loved fare capping after 47 monthly rides. But if I’m elected, I’ll knock it down to 10 per week. Actually, why not eight? Or seven? Maybe the whole thing should be free and we’ll power it with pedals like a bike? How about that?

Bradford: Not to sound like a broken record, but the TTC sure is scary isn’t it? Now I don’t ride it, but for those who do, I can only imagine—and I have a very active imagination. 

I also want to clarify something I said in the mayoral debate here at TMU. Yes, it’s true that every time I ride the TTC I see someone smoking crack. However, what I did not mention is that I have only ridden the TTC once.

Eye: The cost of renting or buying a home in this city has been on the rise for years. How will you make sure Toron tonians can afford a place to call home? 

Chow: I’m going to answer this question with a confusing story. I grew up in St. James Town, one of Toronto’s poorest neighbourhoods. I know what it’s like to live paycheque to paycheque. Many Torontonians tell me they’re struggling, and I see you. 

That’s why I encourage everyone to take in the sights and sounds at any and all street festivals around the city. Instead of going to work to try and afford a home you will never afford, go to Caribana and dance with feathers on until you feel like you have no feet. That’s (C)how change begins.

Bradford: My philosophy has
always been to axe the tax. I want more money in the pockets of Torontonians who’ve earned it, which is why I’d cancel the double land transfer tax for home buyers. 

Now, I know this won’t help many renters, but I ask you this: Have you tried getting your bread up? Have you tried hustling? Have you tried securing the bag? These are all good options I ask you to consider.

Eye: Before I let you two go, is there anything else you’d like to say to Torontonians before they head to the polls? 

Chow: When you head to the polls this week, I’m the second “Chow,” wait… The second right? No, I might be the first “Chow” on the list. I’m actually not sure, who even is Braeden?

Bradford: Who is this for again? TEMU university? You are all radical and will not vote for me anyway. Does TRSM have a student paper?