By Rustin Peace

Disclaimer: The truthfulness in this story has sadly passed away following everything in it being made up from scratch. 

The TMU Library study room reservation system

The study room reservation system has died away after a long battle with students booking rooms for four hours and showing up for absolutely none of them. Known for its confusing interface, mysteriously disappearing reservations and ability to crash five minutes before midterms, the system leaves behind hundreds of students studying on the floor of the SLC. A candlelight vigil will be held outside a study room that nobody was able to book.

The TMU Station escalators 

These escalators have tragically passed away after years of carrying the hopes and dreams of TMU students running late to class. Despite numerous repairs, they ultimately succumbed to the overwhelming pressure of rush hour commuters. They are survived by the stairs, which have been doing all the work for years. Funeral arrangements are pending approval from the TTC although funds will most likely go towards more platform barriers.

The last available seat in the library

The last available seat in the library has been pronounced dead after being occupied by a student who arrived at 8 a.m. and refused to move until closing. Known for its brief moments of availability and its ability to be filled whenever you actually needed it, the seat will be remembered by the hundreds of students who spent their lunch breaks walking around every floor looking for somewhere to sit. In lieu of flowers, please bring your own chair.

The hope of graduating in four years

The hope of graduating in four years passed away peacefully after discovering that a required course was only offered once every three semesters and had a waitlist of 486 people. Born with ambition and a carefully planned academic schedule, it was ultimately defeated by midterm grades and the mysterious disappearance of available electives. It is survived by an extra year of tuition payments. 

Your wallet

Your wallet has tragically passed away after being brutally murdered by cuts to the Ontario Student Assistance Program. Despite years of surviving tuition payments and the ever-increasing price of existing, it ultimately succumbed to the sudden loss of financial support. In lieu of flowers, please attend the walkout on Nov. 5, 2026.