One per cent of students agree that Ryerson’s new housing is affordable

By Nathaniel Crouch

Have you ever bought CDs for music, instead of illegally downloading it?

How often do you find yourself yelling from the back of your chrome rimmed Rolls-Royce at the peasants of the 401?

Did you watch Wolf of Wall Street and unironically think Leonardo DiCaprio’s character is the good guy?

How many Apple watches do you own?

If the answers to these questions are yes, every day, yes, and more than none, well my friend you might just be the desired customer Ryerson is looking to attract with their newest residence building. The newest building unveiled by Rye High, aptly called HOEM because it sounds like home, but if you put it in writing, you’ll realize it’s just a little off from what you were expecting.

In a mob of a hundred students protesting that maybe the place you sleep and work out shouldn’t double your school debt, one student stood happily with a chequebook in hand. Dressed in a Macklemore “thrift shop” fur coat and a T-shirt that read “Jeff Bezos is my co-pilot,” Joshua Moné was spotted making a call to his father, who was golfing. He then walked off with a butler in tow to no doubt head home and skip through all the servant parts of Downton Abbey.

HOEM’s pricing has been the center of much controversy. HOEM’s smaller apartments start at the low cost of a kidney and pinky toe while their higher and more luxurious dorms require your human soul to sign off on the same contract that cost Ariel her voice. “I’m running out of parts to sell!” said a third year.

“Arrrrgagagasha!” commented a second year who had recently sold their lower jaw for their engineering textbooks.

Despite looking like someone who would pay to win in Star wars BattleField 2, Moné is part of a very niche group of students. This group of students are known as the Super High Inheritance TeenS, known for not knowing what OSAP is and always wanting to go out to the club without getting pre-drinks. This group poses a dilemma at Ryerson, as there are enough of these S.H.I.T.s that Ryerson can still keep these dorms at such a high price, even as a gap begins to grow between those who can pay for residence in cash and those who are still waiting for their plasma regenerate.