Why does it smell like sweat all over? The sixth floor overwhelms you as you step off the elevator. In the back corner, an entire game of tackle football is happening, students are watching Netflix with no headphones on and somebody is doing a photoshoot by the window. You look for the gentle giant that […]

Books. Books. BOOKS. As you walk into the library you wonder why you never came here earlier to work on your essays. There’s like, tons of useful books and the staff are super nice. But there’s nothing here you can’t pirate online so you decide it’s definitely not worth your time. You wonder if you […]

That chittering noise is normal, don’t worry Surely, Lachemi would be hiding amongst the stacks of books and academia, waiting for you to deliver the sacred message. You scour each floor, but alas, nothing. Defeated, you retreat to the 10th floor—until you hear some chittering. Maybe Lachemi took his lunch break in privacy and is […]

They are more afraid of you than you are of them In this universe, it’s always RSU election season, which means it’s time to pretend to listen to people’s campaigns so you can have a dry waffle covered in discount maple syrup. Do you accept the off-brand Eggo? Decline waffle Accept waffle

It tastes good to fall for this, right? You bite into the waffle and a piece gets lodged in your trachea. You begin coughing violently, all the while the campaigner continues to make promises about engaging with student life and striving to make transit affordable or something. You kneel to the ground, your face turning […]

Surely the answer is ‘business’ Of all the options to choose from, this is it. There’s no doubt in your mind that the Ted Rogers School of Management (TRSM) will be where to find Lachemi and complete your noble goal. As you turn onto Yonge Street and smell that smelly smell that smells, you see […]

How do you like your eggs in the morning? You approach the Mistress of Bacon and she presents you with a coupon. Hoping for only the best sausages you proceed to Denny’s. After being seated by an overly kind waiter named Bruno, you quickly realize why this place has a 3.9/5 on Google-friendly staff and […]

‘BELIEVE’ You approach the man in the blinding orange jacket and he hands you a pamphlet. You quickly scan it and see the scrawlings of a mad genius. Upon the paper, you find the alchemical solution for cold fusion, a transcription of the missing 18 ½ minutes of the Watergate tapes and a drawn-out map […]

Welcome to the building of possibilities. As you enter the TRSM, business students corner you with pitches. As you hear words like “Stats,” “Entrepreneurs” and “Pitch,” Chad, Chid, Chod, Chud, Ched, Chyd and Brad will not stop hounding you about the “endless possibilities of the untapped market”. You eventually die. That’s what happens when you […]

2 fast, 3 furious You press the button for floor two, followed by the close door button (you impatient little shit), preparing yourself for a quick trip up to the next floor and hoping that Lachemi’s office is there. Better to try one floor at a time right? You think to yourself: “This must be […]

It’s a bold move, let’s see if it pays off When the door opens you are greeted by the unholy sight of Egerton Ryerson T-posing. It isn’t the asshole himself back from the dead—it’s the statue of him from Gould Street. AND IT’S TALKING. AND OH FUCK, IT CAN MOVE TOO. Egerton blasts his arms […]

Greetings, traveler You arrive at Jorgensen Hall, exhausted from your travels but still in one piece. And you have managed to not lose the secret letter either. Hooray! As you walk through the building and into the elevator, you are presented with a tough decision: Go to floor 2 Go to floor 8 Go to […]