Rancid Rez
On Tue., Feb. 14, Pitman Hall rez dwellers complained of a vile stench on the second floor. Security was alerted, but couldn’t identify the stink. In an effort to eliminate the odour the second floor rugs and walls were scrubbed with an insane-like vigour to return the rez to its regular smells of body fluids and stale beer. In an unconfirmed report, officials said the lingering fumes were not hazardous and to disregard rapid student hair los and scaling of skin.
Pond-Ammonia-m
Lake Devo was the victim of an ammonia leak last Thursday. One of the pipes that freezes Lake Devo burst and ammonia, the giddy chemical that allows one to skate in May, seeped out. The fire department was called and the leak was no more. The firefighters, happy with a job well done, went back to shooting their Speedstick commercial.
Hockey Hell
Last Thursday, Rye security played Don Koharski when they had to break up a fight between two hockey players on Lake Devo. The scrap was a minor one and since neither player was cut, security assessed minor penalties. In an unconfirmed report, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said he plans to limit Lake Devo fights to interest American viewers.
Basketball Bullies
Last Friday evening, a game of pick-up basketball at RAC turned sour when two players decided to work out their differences on each other’s heads. An altercation broke out during the game and continued afterwards. One male grabbed a chair and the other a stapler and the two went at it. Shortly after being separated one managed to hit the other with the stapler, cutting him. Ryerson security called police but no charges were laid. Witnesses say the stapler wasn’t loaded.
Weed Feed
A bag of crushed green leaves in a plastic bag was found by a student in the library last Friday. The student gave the bag to security who then handed it over to the police. Unconfirmed reports say the student was smiling when he gave security the bag and when asked about it simply replied, “It’s like I’m floating, but not really, I mean actually flying, but standing…you know?” The student then asked the guard to stop melting and departed.
Leave a Reply