By Diane Peters
Ms. National Leather Association International came to Ryerson last week dressed in a black turtleneck, kilt and short boots. But Mary Dante brought her favourite whip out just for show.
NLA International is an organization that works for society’s acceptance of S&M (Sado-Masochism).
“Consensual Sex vs. Sexual Violence” was a panel put on by the Women’s Centre last Wednesday. A handful of women showed up at Oakham House to listen to Dante and other women talk about S&M. Dante explained
the dynamics of her relationship and openly discussed her own S&M practises and life in that community.
Dante became Ms. NLA last October and is the first heterosexual to hold the title. To win it she had to prove she could look the part in a variety of creative outfits and show a panel her knowledge and communication skills.
“I’m going to spend a year going to various meetings and events promoting S&M and the organization,” she said. Dante also holds a PhD in biology and works as a researcher at the Hospital for Sick Children.
Wearing her sash, Dante talked about the NLA’s stand on domestic violence and consent.
She says consent in the realm of S&M is not simply a guard against date rape.
“Informed consent involves knowing the rules of S&M, discussing them with your partner, and building safeguards into S&M play,” she said.
These safeguards include having code words for “stop” and “slow down,” knowing what body parts are safe to play on, and agreeing what kind of sexual contact will occur.
“Power and pleasure derived from mutual respect” is what Dante thinks S&M is about. She warned against getting involved with people in positions of authority that you can’t say no to and can’t feel safe with.
After removing her sash, Dante got more personal and spoke of her own experiences.
Playing S&M with a person in a position of authority caused her injuries on two occasions. She now protects herself by making sure the people she plays with know what they’re doing.
Dante spoke about her husband Robert, with whom she puts out the S&M magazine Boudoir Noir. She met him four years ago, after she’d been through one marriage and numerous other relationships, some of which involved S&M.
The couple is involved in a master-servant relationship where Dante plays the role of the subordinate. That attitude extends beyond the bedroom into the rest of their lives.
Dante said that “the outside world does not recognize the relationship” because it involves S&M. The hierarchy of power, she says, has been consciously chosen.
“We share this delusion that he is in charge,” Dante said, stressing that it is a delusion. Both her job and certain roles she plays within the marriage are positions of authority.
“I’m not unusual,” she says of her outward appearance. People who practice S&M come from all walks of life and cant be labeled by their appearances.
The small women-only group at Oakham House provided a different atmosphere for Dante’s talk, one that she and the audience enjoyed.
Not everyone at Ryerson was impressed, however, with the words “For Women Only” on the posters advertising the event.
“This is sexist. Haven’t you learned anything?” someone wrote on one of the posters.
A male in the lobby of Oakham House also commented on the exclusion: “It’s just one of those feminist things,” he told a friend.
Moira Scott, co-ordinator of the women’s centre, put the note on the sign both so the women present could speak freely about sex, but also because, “I didn’t think men would want to sit in a room listening to a bunch of women talking about their sexual fantasies.”
Leave a Reply