Re: Abuse of trust, March 8
I was touched by Ms. Blessin’s article, especially as she described “sitting down” with friends and talking about their shocking experiences. I’m glad they have each other. I’m nearly 40 and I too have sat down over the years with my pals and relived the unspeakable. At one point, I remember our “stats” being eight out of 10 of us having experienced either childhood sexual abuse by someone we knew, date rape or physical assault by a partner/spouse. Now that we’re old enough to reflect back, it seems that most of the “emotional baggage” Kathy mentioned came not from inside as we silently blamed ourselves—for trying to look attractive and sexy (and we still do), for not figuring out what was happening in time (they don’t want you to figure it out), or for even being flirtatious or sexually attracted to our attackers…before they became our attackers.
I’m also sorry to hear that parents aren’t any more supportive than mine were—we were all blamed for “dressing like tarts,” or told we should have “known better than to get in a car alone with a man.” I guess I can’t really blame my mom for those puritanical morals, when in her day she might have been forced to marry her date rapist.
Why haven’t things changed much? You’re right, the judicial system is intimidating—but women do prosecute, more and more all the time. Somehow it seems that we think it’s not worth it if it can’t change the damage already done to ourselves. But I really believe, and unfortunately know from experience, that you were not the first victims of those so-called friends who betrayed your trust. And because you (we) didn’t report it, you will definitely not be the last.
I worked in an office with four women. A married social worker in an agency nearby always came by to chat us up, but after a year or so he stopped. As we talked about him, we discovered he had physically cornered three out of four of us. We realized that he firmly believed we would never tell, not even each other. And he was right. We had all thought he was really nice and, yes, good looking. Somehow we’d each convinced ourselves that this had only happened because he found us attractive, or misunderstood our friendliness. It put a very different spin on it when we realized he tried it with nearly every one of us.
The men who have offended you and your dignity strike again—as we speak. They do it first by gaining our trust. They are making new “friends” everyday. Some day Daniella’s little sister will tell her that the family friend assaulted her too. Some day a friend of Kate’s with AIDS will tell her she was date raped by some guy with a very familiar name. Protect each other. Nice guys want those shitheads put away too. But don’t kid yourself, Kathy, this is a male/female issue.
Joan McKenzie
AIM
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