By Manuel Shiner-Lewis
Dick Snyder (a.k.a Not Mike Duffy, The Evil Dick Slander, Richard Snyder), fearless leader of the Evil Eye Commandoes, pornographic, pinball wizard and Editor-in-Cheese of The Eyeopener, was found dead in his Jorgenson Hall office yesterday morning.
While the exact cause of death has yet to be determined, foul play has not been ruled out.
A Ryerson security dude who happened to be strolling by The Eyeopener offices early yesterday morning says he heard a scream of “Goddamn decade problems!!!” come from the direction of the editor’s desk, followed by loud vomiting and choking noises. The security officer, who says he saw no cause for alarm, made a note of the incident in his log book and carried on with his important coffee-fetching duties.
Later that morning, when staff members came to put this week’s paper together, they found Snyder’s lifeless corpse, a fine Cuban cigar still smoking in his mouth, lying in a pool of blood. His hand was in a death grip, still frantically clutching his most prized pool cue. The number ’50’ had been mysteriously engraved in his forehead.
Anonymous sources close to the situation are saying it was merely a case of old age.
“I mean, the guy was a geezer, plain and simple,” said an Eyeopener Production Manager who asked not to be named. “I mean, there are vinyl records younger than this guy.”
More speculation has pointed fingers at Vince “Factual Error” Louie, a surly fellow with a known grudge against Snyder and uncanny skill with a protractor. Others blame Snyder’s compulsive, reckless “rock and roll” lifestyle, often involving drinking alcohol and staying up past ten.
Yet another theory places a mysterious “chicken ball guy” firing a third shot from the grassy knoll.
“I’m shocked and amazed…no, more amazed and shocked,” said Matthew Shepherd, slated to replace Snyder in mid-May. “No, better make that shocked and amazed. And maybe bewildered. Shocked, amazed and bewildered. that’s me, all right.”
“Dick was a kind, honorable and loving man,” writer Mike Onesi wept. “An inspiration to me as a writer, and yes, dare I say it, a friend. Will there be food at the wake?”
Ex-Eyeopener staffers Steve Shipley and Chris Smyth were seen grieving together in Jorgenson Hall, comforting each other with hugs, high fives and periodic dancing.
“Better him than me,” said a visibly shaken Smythe as he uncorked a bottle of champagne.
Early Childhood Education students are planning a parade in Snyder’s honour.
“There’ll be ticker tape, and big floats celebrating the triumph of wholesome values. With that evil monster no longer producing filth, it’s almost as if we’ve won a war or something.”
Other staff members decided to take a pragmatic approach to the situation.
“What’s a ‘Bag o’ Crime” story, I can see it now: ‘Dead Dick-hell.'” My section is going to rock,” said Hair Editor Tom Gierasimczuk.
Blood Seto, Photo Editor and letter writer extraordinaire, drowned his sorrows with a bottle of Kentucky Bourbon “It was in Dick’s desk when he died, I guess he didn’t need it.” Seto said The Eyeopener will suffer a tremendous loss without its leader. “With Dick gone, there’s one less alcoholic on staff. It will be a darker place,” he said.
Grieving widow Rebecca Eckler stole his motorcycle jacket and left town.
Ryerson President Terry Grief could not be reached for comment.
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