By Mike Onesi
Why does all the best champagne come from France? When it comes to ‘whining,’ nobody is better than the French.
And as the Quebec referendum approaches, the whine is flowing through the streets of Montreal like cheap Bordeaux.
For the past 20 years, the only phrases I have heard coming out of Quebec have been, “Go Habs,” “Where’s my leg?” and “We want to separate.”
That last phrase is getting on my nerves.
For me, it is the equivalent of Bart Simpson asking Homer, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
I have a favor to ask of Quebecers: could you please shut up? Oui or Non or whatever, just make up your minds.
I’m sick of constantly riding the Quebec separation merry-go-round.
Quebec uses the ‘distinct society’ defence as often as coaches use football’s dime defence against Dan Marino. (Is Quebec a distinct society? I hope so because I don’t want any connection with a group who buys Mitsou records.)
Instead of bitching about the Quebecois, we should learn from them.
In this time of government cutbacks, I think Ryerson should do some Quebec-style whining of its own. As a polytechnic university, aren’t we a distinct post-secondary institution? I think Ryerson should be treated differently than other Ontario universities.
In order to make Ryerson students happy, the provincial government must do the following:
- Officially declare Lake Devo the sixth Great Lake.
- Ryerson President Claude Lajeunesse must have one limb removed (his choice) and speak with a French accent.
- Replace the hookers and drug dealers around the Ryerson campus with the former stars of Degrassi High.
- Give Ryerson Security the right to declare martial law at any time to sweep the school clean of Blind Melon fans.
If our demands are not met, we separate from the Ontario Ministry of Education. To pressure the provincial government into hold a Ryerson Referendum, a terrorist group called the Ryerson Liberation Front must be formed. The group will start by sabotaging the escalators in Jorgenson Hall (not that anybody would notice). Then the group will kidnap and de-pants Al Palladini, leaving him locked in the trunk of this Pine Tree Lincon Mercury.
Next week, when you are bombarded with Quebec stories, remember: my Ontario does not include Ryerson.
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