By Jim Vassallo
Your income’s become somewhat abbreviated. The excess of the last six months have caught up with you and you need a little something to take the edge off. That pack-a-day you’ve been sucking down just isn’t doing it. You need a cheap way to commune with the voices in your head. I know the feeling. Look around the house. You may have just the thing to give you the fix.
You know how if you take two Gravol it helps your stomach and makes you sleepy? If you take six it makes you hallucinate. It costs $6.49 for 30 tabs, however, you can OD on it. Do you want to explain to your parents that you got all fucked up on Gravol. I think not.
You can do with a DM or an A-C (Codeine!). Jim Hogshire, a recreational drug experimenter, once drank a bottle of DM. He was quoted in Harper’s magazine as saying “my whole way of thinking and perceiving had changed.” I had a friend try it. She said it felt like really bad crack. I wouldn’t recommend it.
As far as the A-C is concerned, the Anarchist Cookbook recommends mixing it with ginger ale in equal parts. To quote: “It brings sedation and euphoria.” Cough syrup costs between $11-15. You can OD on it.
Whipped cream canisters use nitrous oxide to propel forward their hidden delights. Hold the can straight up, push the nozzle and you just get the gas. Inhale it and you (a) get really happy and dizzy or (b) pass out flat on your face. While it’s true doing this will make you cool — girls love it when a guy will just whip it out — chronic use leads to oxygen deprivation, nausea and loss of motor control among other things. Just $2.79 a can though…
Grind up a whole nutmeg and then pulverize it with a mortar and pestle. A dose of 10 or 15 grams, when ingested, should cause a mild psychedelic experience. Too much will make your heart go wacky and leave your thirsty and anxious. Nutmeg costs $1.50 per 100g at Bulk Barn.
Packs of 20 middle-eastern cigarettes go for $2 and $3 at the Toronto Hemp Company (THC). They’re crushed tobacco rolled in a little leaf and other offer minimal effects if smoked as a cigarette. Instead, unroll it and smoke the insides through a bong or pipe. Do this with 10 of them and you feel lightheaded and mildly disoriented along with an impressive body buzz. Beadies hit quickly but last only an hour or two. Also a great mixer for your “tobacco-related products.”
This recipe is in the Anarchist Cookbook. Take a pound of raw peanuts, shell them and smoke the skins. It’s recommended you roll them into a cigarette, but a bong works just as well. Here’s a quick log of possible peanut smoking experiences. Bowl 1: Tastes good. Like burnt marshmallow! Bowl 5: Something’s on your brain. This shit works! Bowl 10: Munchies. You wish you hadn’t eaten all the peanuts and steal your roommate’s Zesty Doritos. Bowl 12: You walk into a wall. (What? This is all HYPOTHETICAL). Bowl 14: The Spice Girls are amusing you. You shudder and start to play Sega.
Anyway, it works. There is, however, a bit of a social stigma. As my roommate Mike put it, “I wouldn’t look at Ross Rebaglati the same was if he tested positive for peanut skin.” Nonetheless, at $1.49 a pound you can get five people completely screwed this evening.
Believe it or not bananas have a mild psychedelic property. You just take 15 lbs. Of them, scrape out the inside of the skin, boil it for three hours and bake the whole mess for 30 minutes. After all that you end up with a pound of black powder that tastes awful. Roll this and smoke three or four cigarettes worth and you no longer care. It’s a lot of work alone but it would probably be great family fun. I was going to chuck the bananas at cars but I’ve decided to have a daiquiri night instead. Any takers?
Dried poppyseed pods can be purchased at many florist and craft shops. Brew a pot of tea with the pods. I like tea. Opium seeds are sold under a variety of different names including Papaver paeoniflorum (breadseed poppy) and Papaver somniferum. Some seeds are legal and can be purchased anywhere, others aren’t and can land you in prison. The good people at THC suggested a trip to Chinatown. I need a tour guide. I like tea.
Other fun stuff includes smoking ginseng, making tea with morning glory and stealing your friend’s Dexedrine! (How pathetic do you think I am! Wait, don’t answer that question…) Anyway, remember, drugs are not toys, but they are fun!