Bag-o-crime

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Medical Emergency Madness!

On Nov. 12, one student fainted and another fell ill in the Rogers Communication Centre. This sounded fishy, so The Eyeopener sent our favourite pre-teen sleuth, Encyclopedia Brown!

And now, Encyclopedia Brown and The Case of the Rogers Ghost…

Encyclopedia Brown put down his Popular Mechanics for Kids and started dreaming. First he had a dram about Elisha Cuthbert, the former host of Popular Mechanics for Kids on TV and now a costar on an American series called 24, which his parents would not let him watch. Then, he had a dream about buying an owl, due to the popularity of the Harry Potter movie. But the dream went wrong when he tried to teach the owl to talk, like the ones in the movie, and the owl ate his arm! Then Encyclopedia woke up… and focussed on the task at hand.

Two students at Ryerson University in Toronto had medical emergencies and had to be rushed to the hospital. Encyclopedia heard some people saying that the emergencies were unrelated. In today’s high stress world nothing is unrelated, thought Encyclopedia. He travelled from his home in Rosedale to the downtown campus, where he met with Ryerson president Claude Lajeunesse.

Claude led him to the spot where the students had fainted/ fallen ill. It was the west stairwell.

“Smell that?” Encyclopedia said. Claude shook his head. “It smells like my dad’s armpit.”

“Armpit?” Claude inquired.

“Armpit, or body odour, is the smell that comes from under your shoulder joint. The smell is a result of a combination of bacteria and a lack of deodorant.”

“Oh that,” Claude said. “It has always smelled like armpit in this stairwell. Listen Encylopedia, could we get out of here? I’m starting to feel a bit sick, and I might pass out.”

“A-ha!” Encyclopedia exclaimed. “A break in the case! The students got sick here, and you got sick here! Don’t you see?”

“No, Encyclopedia, explain it a bit more clearly,” Claude said.

Turn the page upside down for the full story.

Medical answer:

“Well, Claude, the students got sick in the stairwell. You got sick in the stairwell. I’m getting sick in the stairwell because I am hyperventilating right now! This stairwell smells like armpit. Nobody can handle more than five-and-a-half seconds of armpit smell without getting sick! Just instruct students to hold their breath whenever they walk up or down these stairs. This case is closed or my name isn’t Encyclopedia Brown!” said Encyclopedia Brown.

“Damn you Encyclopedia Brow! You’ve foiled me again!” yelled Claude.

“But you haven’t done anything,” said Encyclopedia.

“Oh right,” said Claude. “Here’s your payment, bus fare to get home.”

“Radical!” said Encyclopedia.

Practical Joke gone wrong? But how?

Encyclopedia Brown walked out of the Ryerson washroom and walked over to Pitman Hall. At that moment, he was seriously considering buying an owl, but bigger things were at hand. A fire alarm had been pulled and someone was responsible… for an actual fire!

Encyclopedia met with Rye prez/ sidekick Claude Lajeunesse.

“We’re stumped on this one, Pedia,” Claude said.

“Don’t ever call me Pedia!” said Encyclopedia. “Ever, ever, ever.”

“Whoa, okay,” said Claude.

“Alright Claude, what’s happened here?” said Encyclopedia.

“Well, a fire started over in that oven and we’re not sure how.”

Encyclopedia walked over to the oven and opened it.

“Here’s the problem Claude and it has a little to do with menstruating! Menstruating is when a woman bleeds for a little less than a week, roughly every 28 days. Some women describes this as ‘feeling like you have a swamp between your legs!’” exclaimed Encylopedia.

Turn the page 180 degrees for the scoop!

Fire answer:

“Well, somebody left somebody else’s tampons and makeup in this oven, not realizing it would be used to heat something up! Then when someone else turned on the oven without actually putting anything in it, the toiletries turned to fire!”

“Who are the people who perpetrated the act?” Claude asked.

“How do I know?” asked Encyclopedia. “I’m only 12 and I don’t pay $13,586 to go to Ryerson!”

“Fair enough Pedia,” Claude said.

Ever.”

Then they had a cool lemonade and fished for eel at the old creek.

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