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TORONTO–Despite its misleading name, the new Toronto free daily paper Dose will neither provide useful information for its readers nor cure their sexually transmitted diseases.

“Whoa, what a total disappointment,” says commuter Jimmy Chabon, who was planning to pickup the new tabloid-style daily to cure his case of genital herpes.

“I met this really hot girl at a bar the other week, and then I woke up with pus all over. I thought Dose would help me with that. Fucking sucks.”

Still, while sexual diseases are a fact of life, many media analysts also accuse Dose of not being able to compete with similar rags Muerto and 24 Oars. Even if both of them are kind of shitty as it is. “Does Toronto really need another daily piece of shit rag of condensed press releases and wire reports?” asks respected media analyst and self-serving asshole Bernie Pomegranate.

“Plus, it did absolutely nothing for this burning sensation I get when I pee.” While Dose has been introduced by a certain news media organization to provide a different spin on the news for transit commuters and street urchin, its confusing name has presented more problems than anticipated.

“We thought of calling it Cure, Vaccine, or maybe even Inoculation, but none of them fit,” says Dose editor-in-chief Spurgeon Palahniuk. “We may need to add a warning at the front not to rub it on your genitals.”

Indeed, according to extensive research conducted by this newsroom, rubbing copies of Dose around your bathing-suit area does absolutely fucking nothing.

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