By Dante
Hell Inc. is set to boost damnation services by grabbing a bigger share of the human souls market and applying for a permit to expand all circles of Hell.
Included in Beelzebub’s plans is an aggressive move to buy out bothersome human souls resting within God’s hands. Heaven was approached last month and a deal was reached yesterday.
“The fallen guy called Me up out of the blue and I was all like,’Dude, where ya been?’ and he was all, ‘Listen, Man, I got a sweet deal for You’ and I was all like, ‘Lay it in on Me,'” our Lord said in a phone interview yesterday.
“In the end, I traded My right-wing evangelicals for the souls of unbaptized babies and homosexuals.” When the news was made public, stock in Hell Inc. rose 12.5%.
It closed at $168.83 on the Toronto Stock Exchange, up $18.76. Hell Inc. has fallen 60% over the past 10,000 years, and insiders have been commented that its ability to feed maggots to the sodomites has waned.
As Beelzebub walked by the Ninth Circle, overcrowded with traitors and murderers, their bodies held in ice with their heads bent backwards, he said his plans to expand were a long time coming.
“The expansion is necessary since the increase in the wrathful and sullen is overcrowding the Fifth Circle,” Beelzebub said in a rare interview outside a gate fashioned from the bones of sinners.
“By maintaining our current market share, we have grown weak, so expansion is necessary. I mean, where will we put all our newfound sowers of discord, scandal and schism?”
Beelzebub said that the Eighth Circle requires the most work, and that he has had to shift soothsayers and simonists into the Seventh Circle a couple millennia ago.
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