Toronto Metropolitan University's Independent Student Newspaper Since 1967

All Fun & Satire

HOW LEFTIES CO-OPTED SOCIAL CONSERVATISM

By David Dumb

On skid row

My loyal readers will recognize that my straight-from-the-hip style has made me many enemies over the years.

My intellectual prowess has kept me ahead of those Fiberal vermin whom constantly attempt to bring me down. So, years after my epoch as Grandmaster Bushie’s wizard of words, imagine my surprise to uncover a massive conspiracy and cover-up.

I honestly had no idea that the minions of Cretin/Martian were capable of such deceit and cunning. The Fiberal Party of Canada has infiltrated the great gray beast, the Warpublicans.

They have in fact infiltrated all levels of Warpublicans and now run the party at all levels from the grass roots to the Oval Office. Did these feral bastards do this to protect Canadian sovereignty?

No. Did these foul bits of monkey excrement do this to defend their land and resources? No. This entire plot, a year in the making, orchestrated with subtle cunning and devilish confidence was simply to overthrow me.

The Fiberal Party of Canada no longer exists just to put the screws to good, conservative, middle-class, white, married people (although it has pursued that particular policy with vim and vigor for decades).

It now exists to bring down any white, middle age Canadian, ex-pat male that tries to confront it. Will these maniacal harlots stop at nothing? The answer, given my current career is clearly, no. They are hunting me.

Their eyes glowing with rabid excitement, their fangs, sharp and gleaming, their lips formed into a drooling snarl, their wicked talons, unsheathed. I see them; they’re coming, coming for meeeeee!

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