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SANTA MARIA, Arnieland–

Michael Jackson’s lawyers unveiled yesterday their all-star lineup of expert witnesses who will testify that Mr. Jackson is nothing short of a saint.

Mr. Jackson, currently facing charges of child molestation, smiled with that creepy Albino smile of his as his lawyers, Alan P. Markerson and Gerald M. Parkerson, read the lineup of celebrities and social oddities who have agreed to tell their positive side of Jackson’s character.

“These witnesses will finally be able to have their say that Mr. Jackson is nothing short of a singing angel,” says Mr. Markerson. “I mean, sure they may not be today’s biggest and brightest stars, but they’re respectable members of the community.”

Among the witnesses scheduled to testify before Judge Briscoe include the exhumed corpse of Marlon Brando, Liz Taylor’s second face, and Macaulay Culkin’s ex-wife. “I’m thrilled to help my dear friend Michael,” says Mr. Brando’s gigantic skeleton. “It will be my first step towards my career comeback.”

Despite this all-star lineup, some celebrities were contacted to help with Mr. Jackson’s case, but refused due to the controversy swarming around the pop star. “Yeah, I got a call, but I can’t help him out, I have too much stuff going on right now,” says Tony Danza. “There just has to be a time when you got to say, ‘Who’s the boss’?”

Mr. Danza then tap danced around his tiny studio apartment for several uncomfortable minutes. Also not lending a hand is Bubbles the chimp, who is facing legal problems of his own. Early Wednesday morning, Bubbles was caught in a sting operation on a Los Angeles bordello.

Mr. Bubbles, allegedly a customer at Madame Feather’s house of ill repute, could not be reached for comment since he is a monkey.

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