By Nutbar O’Smiley
The role of any newspaper is to serve the greater good.
Citizens must band together to save those lost souls, to reach a hand out to those who are pushed to the periphery of our competitive society.
It is our noble quest to rescue those that are wayward and helpless. It’s a selfish world we live in but we here at the Nearly Post- Mortem are doing what we can to shine that bright light into your otherwise dismal life by reuniting your lost sock with its anxious other half.
Did that devious laundry contraption known as a dryer eat one half of your twin set? No matter how dirty your past, or your feet, the Nearly Post-Mortem is here to help you find your stranded stocking.
If you stumble upon a missing sock, send it in to the Post-Mortem and receive a free hug and lollipop.
SPECS: Dirty white sock. WHERE FOUND: Fourth row, red section, Air Canada Centre. WHEN FOUND: March 25, 2004. FINDER: Arthur I. Dumbass CONTACT: 1-888-YAY-SOCK to claim.
SPECS: Tri-coloured toe sock. WHERE LOST: Saugreen Lumber Co. Flume Ride, Centreville. WHEN LOST: October 25, 1985 OWNER: Ivana Peek CONTACT: 1-888-YAY-SOCK to turn it in.