By Fox Mulder
Retail giant Wal-Mart announced it has engineered a new chain of “super stores” that will physically uproot themselves from the ground and walk around and eat small businesses, leaving disaster and stockholder happiness in their wake.
“I have heard so much about Wal-Mart moving into towns and destroying the little mom-and-pop stores, so it felt only natural we took it to a hyper-literal level,” Wal-Mart CEO Lee Scott cackled maniacally, pressing and pulling levers and buttons from “a secret underground lair.”
Wal-Mart, which has already added banking services, car rentals, hired goons, soylent green and cursed amulets to its current chain of stores, is a stock market darling.
It gained over three million points since the announcement yesterday. In addition to large robotic legs (said to make the act of “stomping on the little guy” much easier), the store entrance has the ability to transform into a pseudo-mouth, complete with rotating blades and an incinerator. ”
Oh, God, please put that recorder down and help me! No, no, stop writing!” general store owner and self-professed Luddite Pa Clumpet screamed as he and his widget business were violently devoured by a rampaging Wal-Mart franchise. The store emanated an unholy red glow as if it was the Devil himself materialized on Earth eager to scour the planet for souls to make his own.
“I don’t want to die, no, no!” Mr. Clumpet was heard crying from within the horrid beast-store. “Tell my wife I lo–” Mr. Scott said he was inspired by workers pushing for a fair wage.
“I originally wanted our stores to become death machines during the night and feed off the blood of union-pushing employees,” he said, rolling on a bed of money. “After all, no one suspects the Wal-Mart store.”
He chuckled and tented his fingers.