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Sajak interviews, pt. 2: deep dark secrets

In Fun & Satire /

By Robert Mackenzie

What if I told you that we will never look at game shows the same way? What if I told you that eternal life has been achieved? What if I told you that if you cook marshmallows in a pot for a while they turn into caramel? Pat Sajak has already changed millions of lives throughout his career. But part two of this interview delves into his extraordinary personal relationships with son Steve Harvey and friend Regis Philbin.

Mackenzie: What is the true story of Regis Philbin?

Sajak: Not many will believe what I’m about to tell you. It requires a mellow and receptive mind. You see, Regis isn’t like most humans.

M: What, you mean like he’s more talented?

S: No. Regis isn’t like most humans because he isn’t human. Regis was manufactured by the Harvurlian race; a supreme alien species from the planet Yunfesco 81. The Harvurlians are the most powerful species in the galaxy, or universe, whichever one is bigger.

M: What makes them so powerful?

S: The Harvurlians are an immortal race. They have the ability to create life that can live forever and continually adjust to the changing demands of whatever society they inhabit. The Harvurlian mind is able to adapt and advance any culture it lives in. They also have green blood. It doesn’t do anything special, it’s just green, but it’s still pretty cool.

M: What’s your favourite Bradley Cooper movie?

S: He’s Just Not That Into You.

M: So Regis is able to advance our culture with his Harvurlian mind.

S: Yes. You see Regis was put on earth without any instruction. As he grew up he predicted a booming market in the TV industry for game shows that could make any average Joe rich. He has created every single successful game show in the history of our world, and of course he saved his best game show idea for himself.

M: So what does your son, Steve Harvey, have to do with all of this?

S: Regis knew that I needed to give up Steve for adoption. As a favour to me he created the perfect game show for Steve to host, and ensured that one day he would grace the stage of Family Feud.

M: Who’s your favourite Avenger?

S: Hulk.

M: So why did Regis tell you all of this, and how do you know that you can believe him?

S: Regis saw my passion and love for game shows that is unmatched by any other human. It was years into our friendship before he revealed his secret to me. I believe him because he showed me his green blood. It was pretty cool.

M: So Regis is going to live forever?

S: Yes.

M: And he will continue to create every popular game show?

S: Yes, until our society no longer craves game shows. Then he will captivate audiences in a new way.

M: So Regis created Wheel of FortuneFamily Feud and The Price is Right?

S: Yes.

M: What about Let’s Make a Deal?

S: No, that one sucks. That was created by an imposter.

M: Why are you revealing all of this to me? How do I know that you’re not making all of this up?

S: Because of this!*

*Pat Sajak then vanished from the room.  On the chair he left me a lone Wheel of Fortune “BANKRUPT” wedge. I think he meant it as a joke because I thought we got along pretty well, but he didn’t leave a note or anything with it so maybe he was just being mean. As confused as I am, one thing is crystal clear: TV has been lying to us. After all this time.

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