By Anika Syeda
A study by the Canadian Ladies’ Man Coalition (CLMC) found that the words “baby,” “princess” and “sweet cheeks” have a 99.99 per cent success rate at getting a woman’s attention.
“There is the occasional female who will turn the other cheek,” said Snapback Joe, longstanding president of the CLMC. “However, we refer to those fine women as ‘bitches.’”
Joe said this term is not used in a derogatory manner, it’s simply the scientific term for the outliers in CLMC’s largest social experiment yet.
“We hope to canvas the entire populated world, actually,” said Joe. “Currently, CLMC is in the process of developing a foolproof method of induced attention reciprocation.”
The study’s projected completion is August 2016. With a team of over a billion industrious researchers and volunteers, the CLMC aims to uncover the holy grail of catcalls with a 100 per cent success rate.
According to the overwhelming majority of male participants,
such a project has been long overlooked.
“I’m sitting in my truck, windows down, arm over the door, and some honeys walk by. I’m a nice guy, I say something nice,” said a participant who wishes to remain unnamed. “When a nice guy like me, just trying to brighten someone’s day, is treated like shit because of it, you know there’s a problem in our society.”
Several women’s rights groups such as Amnesty International Canada and Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls, as well as the decent population of the world, have dismissed the CLMC completely. They claim that there is “literally” no solution to their predicament.
When questioned about the chance of failure, CLMC leading researcher and CEO Tribaltattoo Montgomery was defiant.
“Scientifically speaking, the opinions of the CLMC defectors and competitors are not valid whatsoever. In fact, one may classify them as slander, and falsified slander at that. It is common knowledge in the scientific community that the number one experts on females and/or ‘bitches,’ as we like to call them here, are men.”