Illustration: Skyler Ash


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Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

If you thought you were doing well right now, I’m here to tell you that you’re not. Things are about to get way worse for you.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

Exams are fast approaching, and you haven’t started preparing. Typical.

Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)

There’s probably nothing I can say to make you feel better, because your life sucks so bad.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

If things don’t go well the first time, it’s probably all your fault and you should just give up.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

I’m not saying you’re awful, it’s just that people don’t enjoy being around you. Might want to work on that.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you get knocked down, stay down. We don’t need people like you up and roaming.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The stars are saying that you’ve really let yourself go, and it’s true. Get it together.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You have to suffer a little before things get good. You’ve just had to suffer a lot more than everyone else. Sucks for you!

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Don’t plan on the future, because who knows what the future has in store for you? I do, and it’s nothing good.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

I’ve been watching you lately and you really need to work on your personality. It’s just awful.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’re often characterized as a bitch. And it’s true, you are.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Things don’t always go the way we want them to, it just seems to happen to you more than other people. Maybe you deserve it.

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