Illustration: Chris Blanchette

The Grinch who stole after Christmas

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Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Skyler Ash

There’s a thief in our midst whom you know very well. Stealing from the Rogers Communications Centre (RCC) one night he did tell, “I steal, my dear student, because I have a need. And no, you nosy bastard, it’s not because of greed.”

The perp is no other than the great Grinch himself, who has hung his Santa hat back on the shelf. Leaving the life of Saint Nick in the dust, dressing now as a janitor, he said, is a must.

Taking laptops from poor rich kids and a TV from the Venn, it was one quiet night the Grinch knew he’d come again. “It’s such an easy target,” the Grinch said between snickers. “Heck, I even took a few pointless iClickers.”

An amount of thousands he has stolen from this school, and “it’s long gone unnoticed, you educated fools.”

“Why do I steal? Well that’s a very good question,” said Grinch. “So here, you plain creature, this is the reason: I do it to supplement my kleptomania out-of-season.” Kleptomania is the urge to steal for no purpose, “and sometimes the stuff I take is just plain worthless.”

The Grinch laments, “Those students don’t need all this crap! So why is it that I’m getting such a bad rap?” On a tangent he flew; so out of breath his green face soon turned blue. “Don’t you have people who try to stop crime? Or are they off for the week, do they not have the time, to stop me while I’m in my criminal prime?”

We do have those people, a “crack team” of guards, Ryerson PR insists. “It’s just that sometimes when you call them, your messages go a-miss.”

“They call themselves security, but they’re no more than a front for a service in Ryerson that’s run out of spunk,” said Grinch. “They don’t care to work hard, they stand in front of Arbia and pretend they’re on guard.”

“We’re fine, we do our jobs,” said a security guard through his sobs. “Why is the Grinch so mean? It’s not like we’re total slobs!”

“I heard about the thefts,” said a guard on the left, “I just didn’t want to get up and leave my fancy desk.”

Security said they have punished the Grinch. “Do you know what I got? A slap on the wrist and a stern talking-to,” said Grinch. “What a joke! What a waste! What a travesty at best. Security at Ryerson is nothing but jest.”

The Grinch plans on leaving the 6ix for a spell, “but I shall return in a few months time, to commit some more of my so-called ‘heinous’ crimes. Though a kleptomaniac never sleeps, there are some creatures that have to. They’re called Ryerson security, and it seems that’s all they do.

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