Illustration: Skyler Ash

Ask Yustin: All is fair in love and Storage Wars

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Every week, foreign indie film sensation Yustin Yandler will use his wealth of knowledge and experience to answer your questions about everything

Dear Yustin,

A month ago, my significant other fed my heart through a wood chipper. I’ve been moody and with-out hope for a happy love life ever since. In Kung Fu Dreaming of You, you played a man in a similar situation to me. Any advice on how to get over my ex?

Sincerely,
Emotionally Devastated

Dear Emotionally Devastated,

I was high when I starred in that movie, but everything you need to know about love can be found in the hit documentary series Storage Wars on A&E. That show is actually an allegory for love. Every week several people attend auctions to buy storage units in the hopes they’ll get a unit with good resale value.

You’ve got Barry, who buys units on a whim. He loves everything and everyone. He smiles a lot and wears nice clothes, but he always loses money. Daryl plays it safer but he takes risks based on a gut instinct he calls the “wow factor.” That sounds a lot like love to me. Sometimes he wins big but he always wears a tank top and he has a super bad sunburn.

Jarrod and Brandi are a couple who buy units together. They always lose money because Jarrod is an idiot who wears stupidly baggy shorts and bids for the sake of bidding.

Everyone who takes risks on units—AKA everyone who lets love guide them—gets fucked, and not in a good way.

You know who never gets fucked?

Dave. He wears all black and dresses plainly, a sure sign of a man who understands that (as Nana Yandler used to say) love is a stone cold bitch. He purposely bids up other buyers so they waste money and he can get the good units. Dave always gets what he wants. He bids by yelling YUUUUP in a way that is equally erotic and obnoxious. He plays the long game and always turns a profit. He doesn’t let love get in the way.

Is Dave a happy man? Probably not, but at least he’s not a loser like you who whines about getting dumped. Dave will never let anyone hurt him again. And neither should you. Love is dead. Long live Dave.

Yustin

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