Photo: Devin Jones

Eyevestigation into the Ram’s secret menu

In Fun & SatireLeave a Comment

Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Jevin Doensé

After severe outrage over a new “upscaled” menu complete with edible doilies and confusing “buttermilk” fried chicken, various Ryerson University students have been pleasantly surprised to learn that the Ram in the Rye is advertising a “secret” menu to compliment its aristocracy-themed offerings.

Two Eyeopener editors became aware of the menu after witnessing first year urban gardening student Brian Dunkleman running down Gould Street screaming “they’re back, they’re really fucking back!” An investigation ensued.

“She, like, handed me that big ol’ menu as well as the new one, smiled and did that cutting throat motion,” Dunkleman told reporters, after being stopped by security after reports of obscenity on campus. “Everything was there, lattice fries, the buffalo chicken wraps and caesar salad with romaine lettuce. Romaine! Can you fucking believe that? I shouldn’t even be talking to you guys.”

The secret menu comes in response to rumours of a fully armed rebellion from the Ram in the Rye staff. In the two weeks that the campus bar has been open for the semester, students have reported cases of odd behaviour, including waiters mumbling about “deep fried goodness,” and one case of a waitress hysterically crying after handing out the new menus.

Last week, an Eye reporter went undercover as a Ram in the Rye waiter under the alias Devin Jones. During his time there, he had to undergo an initiation where he had to pray to the “Protector of the Ram, the Holy Fry of Sweet Potato.”

“The old chef put a kibosh on all things sweet potato, so the staff smuggle them in with the new shipment of doilies,” said Jones. “They told me that when people order their new Inside Out Nachos, there’s a hidden panel in the bowl that reveals the sweet potatoes.”

When Jones asked what was so great about the old menu, he was simply told, “what is fried may never fry.”

“Apparently people really liked those nachos made from old cardboard shavings, and the blackened urinal cake burgers,” Jones said. “They must have a problem with actual, edible food.”

Jones recounted one night where the staff attempted a coup on the new management. Armed with sharpened copies of old menus and some hardened old bean burritos, they marched through the pub before slipping on spilled pitchers of Flaming Engineers. Staff had to clean it up and were then forced to serve side soups in reasonable bowl sizes.

“It was madness,” Jones said. “The old Ram is dead. Long live the Ram.”

 

Leave a Comment