Illustration: Alanna Rizza

Ask Yustin: What’s your take on higher power?

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Dear Yustin,

The other day my friend and I were debating the existence of a higher power while on an escalator in TRSM. My friend is a believer but I don’t understand how a benevolent creator could break up Brangelina.

You played Assistant #2 in What a Sunset, Mr. President. What’s your take on creationism?

Sincerely, Confused

Dear Confused,

I hope there is a higher power and I hope it blasts every single person who blocks the way on escalators, including you and your friend!

Grandad Yandler taught me a lot of things: never drink more than eight beers, California is too far to go to get laid, half-and-half cream is good and escalators are for WALKING.

They’re not talkscalators, Confused. They were designed to keep people moving. You should be walking when you’re on an escalator or you should be standing as close to the right as possible to make room for the people behind you who actually value getting to places on time.

I met my agent at TRSM and I was almost late because I got stuck behind a monster like you. I know there are stairs, but they only go up to the second level and taking stairs is hard (not for me, but for some people).

Next time I see someone blocking an escalator, I’m grabbing their ankles and dragging them down to the bottom. I’ll walk slowly and the torment will never end.


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