By Kent Clark
Through a freedom of information request, The Eyeopener has obtained a copy of Ryerson President Mohamed Lachemi’s latest letter to Santa Claus.
Lachemi refused to comment on the list saying only “I hope you shit-disturbers at the Lieopener all get coal in your stockings this year.”
With transparency in mind, the paper has decided to publish Lachemi’s letter in full:
I’ve been a pretty good boy this year and could use some holiday gifts. Here’s a list of suggestions:
Five-hundred lint rollers to get all that hair off the SLC’s chairs
Thirty-thousand mobile hotspots so we don’t have to fix Ryerson’s wifi
A Google Chrome extension that blocks websites containing the phrase “student debt”
Fire alarms that explode if students pull them during exams
A new name for Balzac’s (I just realized it sounds like “ball sacks”)
Support beams for the RAC (just in case)
Non-descript buzzwords for future zones
An invitation to Sheldon Levy’s exclusive cottage New Year’s party
Someone who kinda looks like Drake to make up for 6 Fest
“Zootopia” on Bluray
I’ll be sure to leave some cookies by my model train set.