The cover of a letter with Santa's address on the cover

Illustration: Skyler Ash

Ryerson President pens letter and wish list to Santa

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By Kent Clark

Through a freedom of information request, The Eyeopener has obtained a copy of Ryerson President Mohamed Lachemi’s latest letter to Santa Claus.

Lachemi refused to comment on the list saying only “I hope you shit-disturbers at the Lieopener all get coal in your stockings this year.”

With transparency in mind, the paper has decided to publish Lachemi’s letter in full:

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a pretty good boy this year and could use some holiday gifts. Here’s a list of suggestions:

Five-hundred lint rollers to get all that hair off the SLC’s chairsgiphy

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Thirty-thousand mobile hotspots so we don’t have to fix Ryerson’s wifi

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A Google Chrome extension that blocks websites containing the phrase “student debt”

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Fire alarms that explode if students pull them during exams

 

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A new name for Balzac’s (I just realized it sounds like “ball sacks”)

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Support beams for the RAC (just in case)

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Non-descript buzzwords for future zones

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An invitation to Sheldon Levy’s exclusive cottage New Year’s party

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Someone who kinda looks like Drake to make up for 6 Fest

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“Zootopia” on Bluray

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 I’ll be sure to leave some cookies by my model train set.

Sincerely,

Mo Mo

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