By Enzo Malone
Hello, I’m Enzo Malone. It’s that time of year again Ryerson, so I’d like to invite all students to come on down to Enzo Malone’s Love Factory!
Here at the store, we are offering the lowest prices in town on all sexual paraphernalia in honour of The Eyeopener’s Love & Sex Issue. The only thing lower than these prices is my self-esteem!
Valentines day has always been special in the Malone household. I still remember my first valentine’s day with my now wife, Amelia. I bought her a box of chocolates and brought them to her house. Unfortunately, the door was locked and I had to wait on the step for 40 minutes before one of her “brother’s friends” let me in on his way out. She thought the chocolates were delicious!
Nine months later my middle son, Stanley Malone, was born. Everyone’s in agreement that he and I share no similar features at all!
At Enzo Malone’s Love Factory, you’ll find sensual gift ideas at an affordable price, so your loved ones won’t worry that you don’t have enough money to fix the tire-sized hole in your bedroom floor!
And this just in: we are now offering a full selection of erotic role-playing costumes, for a low, low price. You will arouse your partner as a sexual fireman, a seductive police officer or even the local barista that your wife is always making intense, unwavering eye contact with. That’s an Enzo guarantee!
There’s no better time than now to make your way to Enzo Malone’s Love Factory. Tell us The Eyeopener sent you and you will get an additional 10 per cent off all paraphernalia!
Nothing will make your valentine happier than a gift from my store. That’s an Enzo guarantee!