The Eyeopener's editor, Nicole, at her desk.
Photo: Annie Arnone

Eye masthead poisons EIC with gluten, EIC dies, joins Dead Editors’ Club

In Editorial, Fun & Satire /

By The News Team

It was the rotisserie chicken that drove them off the edge.

Nicole Schmidt, Editor-in-Chief of The Eyeopener, tragically died on April 3 after being poisoned.

It was The Eye’s weekly Monday dinner, and Schmidt posted the usual SurveyMonkey link to her masthead. Editors voted for what food they wanted to order, but many knew the system was rigged.

Toronto Police Services discovered that the SurveyMonkey options were Swiss Chalet and Salad King. The vote came to 87.3452 per cent in favour of Swiss Chalet.

Photo editor Devin Jones said that Schmidt had rigged the system to always vote in favour of Swiss Chalet.

“I’m just so fucking—” said Jones.

Thirteen witnesses say they heard people shouting “No Salad King, no peace!” A riot broke out in the Àrchivés night club in SCC 207. Some chopstick-related casualties occurred and chicken drumsticks were thrown into the air.

Trouble was marinating.

The next day, former biz & tech editor and incoming traitor Justin Chandler found Schmidt at her desk. Before expiring, Schmidt looked up and said “Nicht das gluten!”

Someone had poisoned her arugula and squash salad with gluten supplements—she slowly morphed into a giant piece of white toast.

Local dog Zeus later nibbled on the toast, tampering with the evidence. He is now facing seven years in dog jail. “I guess I’ll see him in a year,” said photo editor and Polish dog aficionado Izabella Balcerzak.

The only evidence recovered was an old-school, all-red telephone and a USB key labelled “Take a whirl on the Skrlj.” The line was dead and the USB key was empty.

However, Chandler said he heard online editor Farnia Fekri shouting, “I will find you, and I will kill you.” Toronto Police could not confirm who she said it to.

The Ryersonian reported on April 4 that Schmidt’s death was a result of ingesting a non-vegan, non-gluten-free quinoa burger on a bench. The ‘Sonian later issued a correction stating that Schmidt sat on hundreds, maybe thousands of benches before  sitting on that one bench.

But Toronto Police confirmed that it was indeed the salad and the ‘Sonian had to issue another correction.

Skrlj, the main suspect, was last seen attempting to break into the Ryerson Students’ Union office, yelling “Don’t worry, I know the president!”

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