How to trick people into thinking you’re a responsible human being

By Emerald Bensadoun

It’s your first year in university, and you want people to see the *real* you. Who are you? A sophisticated party animal that knows how to have a good time, but still makes it to brunch? The straight-A student with a great sense of humour? Be who you want to be.

Here at The Eyeopener, we know that living a perfectly balanced lifestyle takes both time and practice. You may have chosen the student life but it did NOT choose you. Who died and put mandatory classes at 8:30 a.m. on Fridays? We’ve lived your struggle. We know it’s hard.

Have you heard of the phrase “work smart, not hard”? The name of the game is “fake it ‘till you make it” and, just for you, we’ve decided to let you in on a few key secrets to deluding all of your new friends and family that you have your shit together while still living your laziest best life.

1. Need an extension on that essay you had three weeks to complete? Email your professors. Give them cute nicknames when emailing those last-minute extension requests to establish friendship. Casually refer to them by their pet names in class.
2. Buy fake plants to convince people you’re a responsible adult who knows how to keep things alive. If you’re in a relationship, purchase a “love fern” that—much like your eternal love—will never die.
3. You’ve got your fake plants. Name them. Visitors love a good Fernie Sanders. Not feeling all that political? Cactus Jack Sparrow will enthrall guests without appearing too prickly.
4. Want that A+ you know you don’t deserve? Get to know your T.A.’s. Sixty per cent of the time, it works every time.
5. Save your parents some money by being proactive in your job hunt. Take French in first year and put “bilingual” on your resumé after a single semester. Voila.
6. Can’t afford a television? No problem. Place a simple cardboard box where your TV would have been and make all of your furniture face it to complete your domestic look.
7. Wear glasses to convince your new friends that you’re an intellectual.
8. Put shit in mason jars. Pickles, sand, brains, rocks, unused tampons—it’s a look that tells people you’re organized, but also implies a well-crafted Instagram aesthetic.
9. People who manage to actually eat breakfast really seem to have their shit together. You don’t, but nobody has to know about that. Instagram photos of half-eaten yogurt parfaits at lunch to make it seem like you can actually get up early enough to eat breakfast. Nobody will ever know.
10. Underaged but still want to impress people with your drinking skills? Buy a life-time supply of apple juice. Tell everyone it’s flavoured beer. Save money on a fake ID while maintaining a sugar high.

Thinking about paying us for exponentially improving your life? Save your money! Your successful transition into a university student is all the thanks we need.