By Skyler Ash
One Ryerson student is in shambles after taking a test to find out which Friends character he is. Scrolling through Facebook, Jeff Marcus—a third year arts and crafts major and self-proclaimed Chandler Bing—discovered a hard truth. The lifelong lover of the hit ’90s show completed the quiz, and it was revealed he was most like Ross Geller.
“Anyone who watched Friends knows Ross is undeniably the worst character,” said Marcus. “He’s so whiny and boring and his eyes are kind of beady like a shark or a hamster.” He feels like he identifies more with Chandler because he owns a lot of sweater vests and is too scared to commit to just about anything. “I mean, could I be any more Chandler?!”
Since getting the results last Tuesday, Marcus has gone into a downward spiral. He stopped attending classes and all his sweater vests were found in a dumpster on Gould Street.
“The news isn’t surprising. His father and I have suspected it for years,” said his mother, Irene Marcus. “We love him, but he’s honestly very obnoxious and wears far too much hair gel for my liking.” Ever since he was a teenager, his mother said she felt sorry for her son for always being the biggest loser in his friend group. “He really lorded his intelligence over other his buddies and was always correcting their grammar. A total Ross at heart.”
After a few attempts at contact, The Eyeopener managed to speak to Marcus to see how he’s recovering. “I’m learning to embrace it. I wear more hair gel now, and I got a few books from the library on dinosaurs. I guess this is my life now,” Marcus said pathetically.
His hair does indeed appear more gelled than in his old Facebook photos, and it didn’t move an inch during the interview, which was rather unsettling.
“Sometimes life hands you a bad set of cards,” said Marcus. He’s thinking of switching his major to palaeontology so he can stay at Ryerson and pursue the career he’s “supposed to have.” When we informed him Ryerson doesn’t offer such a program, he broke out into tears saying, “It’s FINE. I’m FINE. Everything is FINE.”