Ryerson’s most eligible squirrels

In Fun & Satire /

By Camila Kukulski, Ben Waldman and Emerald Bensadoun

Are you still searching for that special squirrel-ly someone? Are you nuts about love? Look no further (or higher), these bachelors are right at your feet. 

 

Fritz McGonagall

This third-year image arts student draws his inspiration from discarded acorns and pinecone remains. They show how temporary, yet permanent, we all are. Fritz also lives with his mother.

 

 

 

 

Heath Craig

Heath ‘Hulk’ Craig can bench press up to four times his own body weight—approximately five pounds. Somebody stepped on his nuts once and he never got over it. He’s not overcompensating for anything though; he’s hung like a squirrel. 

 

 

 

Logan Grey

Not the kind of squirrel you’d introduce to your parents. Logan isn’t afraid to look you in the eye while he pees in public. Logan doesn’t  know his own birthday—and he doesn’t even care.

 

 

Olly Wallace

Thrilled to finally join the ranks of Toronto’s empty nesters. Olly is 74 years old, but that’s only 14.8 in human years. After a lengthy career as a pilot, Olly is finally pursuing his dream career as a geologist. He tells the acorn-iest of jokes.

 

 

 

Chad Finnigan

Going places. Held a high level position in the Ryerson Students’ Union office until someone tried to step on him. Wears sunglasses indoors. These days, Chad is investing in Bitcoin—his dad says it’s really going to take off soon.”

 

 

 

Leonard Troytrotsky

Is global domination your thing? Leonard is secretly plotting to overthrow the “capitalist pigs” that run Ryerson University.

He touched a girl once, but she shooed him away. Now Leonard spends his time hiding outside of Balzac’s because no one will let him inside.

 

 

 

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