By Skyler Ash
It’s a new semester and a new year, which means it’s time to dump all your old friends and make cool, shiny new ones. Forget those old, worn-in dorks you used to hang around with, because we all know you can do better than sad, cries-when-she-sees-a-puppy Beth from Intro to Psych. Here are a few ways to find new pals for the new year!
- Wear bright colours. New studies have shown that bright, bold colours are what attracts people the most. Try wearing unnecessarily bright colours to all your outings. I recommend a neon yellow cap like a paperboy from the 1920s, a hot pink sweater dress, blue tights and white go-go boots. This is a hot look that is guaranteed to get you noticed, and once you get noticed, you can employ the next steps to keep ‘em coming back for more like a kid at the dessert buffet on a Disney cruise.
- Introduce yourself with a nickname. But not just any nickname—make one up for yourself. After all, who knows you better than you? If you’re having trouble coming up with a nickname, just follow this equation: the name of your first pet + the name of the street you grew up on. If you’re sitting there thinking, ‘Isn’t that how you find your stripper name?’, you’d be right! But strippers usually have fun, breezy names, so just go with it! New year, new you, right?
- Develop an intricate back story. Up until now, your life has been pretty average. But not anymore. Now you are a kid who grew up without parents, being raised by the circus folk who took you in when you were lost, hungry, just shy of death and wandering the tracks in a heavily wooded area. They treated you like one of their own, raised you and made you who you are today. And here you are at Ryerson, because they knew you were destined for greater things than ripping tickets and sweeping up old popcorn under a grimy tent in the parking lot of a strip mall on a cold spring day.
And that’s it! That’s all you need to make friends: bright clothes, a sweet ass nickname and a tortured back story. This killer combo of sick threads and a fun life story will have people begging you to grab coffee with them after class. You can thank me later.