Photo Illustration: Kosalan Kathiramalanathan

How to stay social during the winter

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By Skyler Ash

Stating the obvious: it’s pretty fucking cold outside. Why? Global warming. How? I’m not exactly sure how it works, but it’s what’s happening. With such low temperatures, it’s hard to get out of the house, let alone your bed. It’s been months since you’ve seen your friends. They’re starting to forget what you look like, the way your eyes gleam in the sunlight and the sound of your voice as you greet them on a warm summer’s eve. So here’s a few ways to get back out there and have some good old fashioned fun in this hellscape of a winter we’re having.

  1. Layer up. You must wear, at every outing, this exact outfit:
    1. Two (2) pairs of socks, at minimum.
    2. Three (3) pairs of pants. I recommend this combo: pajama pants, long johns and then a reliable pair of jeans.
    3. Two (2) shirts and three (3) sweaters. It just makes good sense.
    4. One (1) winter coat, because it’d be weird if you wore more than one.
    5. I don’t know, maybe a scarf, a hat and some gloves. You’re not 12, dress yourself, freak!
  2. Chose a fun activity. The best way to motivate yourself to leave the house is to find a place to go where you know you’re going to have a good time. I recommend the following places:
    1. A small, dark room where you can’t really see what’s happening but you just know you’re ready to party.
    2. A place where the music is so loud you might want to throw up from the vibration but you’re living your best life so you pretend not to notice.
    3. A restaurant where the food is tiny and pretentious, served on a large plate but piled just in one corner of the plate and there’s sauce on the plate that is just for aesthetic, not for actual eating. Your bill must total at least $100 before taxes and tip, or else it’s not even worth it. 
  3.  Photograph the entire outing. Don’t let a moment of the evening go undocumented. Post all of the photos in separate Instagram posts so you clog up everyone’s feed and they can see how much fun you’re having. This way people will see you out and about and they’ll want to come too, thus increasing your Winter Social Activity Meter, which hovers above your head, like the little diamonds in the Sims, and lets everyone know if you’re cool or not.

If you follow these three easy steps, you’ll be having a grand time this winter! And if you don’t, then chances are you’ll die cold and alone, with your Netflix screen asking, “Still watching?” and your episode of Black Mirror forever unfinished.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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